mercredi 10 octobre 2018

Unknown

If I let Sam go, as planned, I truly jump in the unknown. I always went back to him maybe because I knew him for more than 20 years. We had a historic, sort to speak. I know all about him. But I shouldn't have done it. Go with him. I fell for a stupid trick because I believed him. That he liked me. He appreciated me. But I was wrong. I don't think he appreciates anybody but himself. I don't know. It is impossible to put ourselves into somebody else shoes. I think I go back because I want to convince myself that it is right when it is so wrong. It was wrong since the beginning. Why did I let myself do it. I believed him. I took a chance and believe him. I think the best thing is to stay away from him. Like I say the best action is no action sometimes. No words. Just move on. Everything has been said and done anyway there is nothing to add. Time to let go and to jump in the unknown. M is gone too. 1 year and 9 months. I miss him from time to time. I guess it is normal we shared something. Something special. A certain understanding. But I have 2 daughters and it wasn't possible. As I use to say, in the absolute maybe but not on earth. I have very fond memories of him. His cat lives with us since his departure. She is a wild cat. Very independent and so beautiful. Silence. I started to listen to house music again. I started the gym. I'll train with the best trainer. Why not be in top shape. What Am I scared of... I was thinking of that too. That we can't be scared. Stop being scared. I use not to be scared of anything. But I am a mom now and it is different. I have the two most amazing daughters to take care of. Sometimes I think that I am autistic. I wonder. When I look at something I look at it on all angles. I look deeper. It is weird. Like a want to have the big picture. It is my curious spirit and mind. I was always curious. I give myself certain rights. I think I am above. I don't follow rules. I break them. In certain circumstances. But I get bored easily. At one point it is only repetition. I look at myself more closely. I control my actions more. I try to use my mind over my emotions. Mind first than emotion. Always. Instead of thinking I do what I want and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I prefer not to act. I am calm now. I am contempt. I see everybody go on trips like girouette metaphysique but I'm happy where I am. I am in love with my city. The place where I live. I think about that too, that God put me here in this country, province, city, neighborhood, in this time. I feel I need to do good and be nice and bring something positive in the world we live in. I started to pick up plastic bottles and I put them in the recycle when I see them on the street or else. It is my new thing. I was also thinking that we are in 2018. And in 2018, it is time for women to stand for their rights. Respect. And respect starts at home. On that note, lets say good bye.