tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80333825478986629062024-02-06T20:06:47.126-08:00MBRTRBMBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.comBlogger171125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-81158102071247409532019-04-12T19:52:00.001-07:002019-04-12T19:52:53.945-07:00MBRTRB: Sound of silence<a href="https://mbrtrb.blogspot.com/2019/04/sound-of-silence.html?spref=bl">MBRTRB: Sound of silence</a>: Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I h...MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-78457352671287307192019-04-12T19:50:00.001-07:002019-04-12T19:51:21.733-07:00Sound of silence<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I had to go through certain things for a certain period of time. It reminds me of this week Parsha in the Torah. It explains that Miriam had to be excluded from all 3 camps because she talked about Moishe but not in a rightful way and had been touched by leprosi in a way of spiritual sickness not physical. She had to go through healing by learning humility. It teaches us that we should think before speaking. We will be accountable for all our words. But also that a curse is a hidden blessing. It exists to help us better ourselves and to push us forward. I had to live those last 3 years to be where I am today. A better cleaner version of myself. Not all is done but I have succeeded. I can't wait to see what lies ahead. I am excited. It is another chapter with a foundation for the first time in my life. I am no more the </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #212121;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">tightrope walker over the void. I'm curious to see what I am able to do in that kind of environment much more vast than what I have known until now. Big without being a corporation. The public sector. The government. So strange. I never thought me the rebel that I would end at the government. Life is a journey we orbit around time, like the spiral of the DNA the infinitely little reflection in the immensity and vice versa. one within the other. Vibrating. The </span></span></span><span style="color: #212121; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">pulse of the world propelled by the will of God. We are God creature and each one of us has a mission to accomplish. Whatever happened to us the soul remains pure, untouched. Connection. I was never good at connecting. When I get stress I tell myself that it is G-d will and ultimately he decides. There is nothing to worry. Meanwhile I am at peace, enjoying the sound of silence. Enjoying the calm.Feeling blessed. Thinking I can do this. Jumping in the unknown. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #212121; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-75061854575228211342018-11-17T16:13:00.000-08:002018-11-17T16:15:37.090-08:00Back to basics<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The aim always have to be the center but sometimes due to different events we have to move to the right or to the left but always after we have to readjust ourselves to the middle.Never lose sight of the center. For that we need a strong foundation not a base that changes all the time. Consistency. The consistency has to be permanent. It is there no matter what. I re started the idea of MBRTRB meaning production. Im not sure yet but Im open. I"ll print RESPECT Respect is earned. First we have to respect ourselves, our integrity, our values. Cosncious that God put us on earth for a reason, our mission. Not to waste our lives. The complexity is that nobody knows what their mission is. We have to discover it alone. The base is to leave earth better after we are gone then before. Always a bit better. We have to transform the darkness in light. To reveal the light beneath the darkness. Im a patron of Vucjakshelter amazing dedication of this man in Serbia who takes care of dogs cats any animals that need help alone. It cost $5 per month US and I encourage evryone one to help him. He is on instagram :) Slowly Im getting out of the shock of all that happened since 2 years. But we did it the girls and me. We went through it and we came out stronger and wiser and calm. Barush Hashem. Those 2 years were a learning lessons in life and humility and respect and dignity. There is certain behaviours that I wouldnt be able to have anymore. It is just a fact. I just cant. I dont have to convince myself I shouldnt do it. Now it is part of me and there is nothing conscious about it. Just funny. For some reasons I always thought that a quiet life was a boring life. It is not true. Quiet but full and mindfull. Im in touch with the sound the feel the time and place of my life. Connected no more disconnected. No more cynical. I have a different perspective. An eye opener. Eyes wide opened. Remember the movie Eye wide shut by Kubrick. I saw a documentary on his assistant on Netflix so good. He was the actor in Barry Lindon and he left everything to work by the side of the genius Kubrick. Leon Vitali.The documentary is called the filmworker because that how he calls himself. I use to have a poster of Orange mecanique in my place...It was my natural killers period....Desenchanted. Now Im wondering what is ahead. Back to the beginning I use to say that once your eyes are opened you cant close them again, you cant turn back, past, present and future united and intertwined, Keep on pushing one step at the time. In order to discover we need to step out of our comfort zone and accept that we will have to jump into the unknown in order to reach our destination. Our spiritual destination. Remember that we are spiritual beings living a material experience. </span><br />
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MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-18963713008101320982018-10-10T20:24:00.001-07:002018-10-10T20:24:10.924-07:00Unknown<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If I let Sam go, as planned, I truly jump in the unknown. I always went back to him maybe because I knew him for more than 20 years. We had a historic, sort to speak. I know all about him. But I shouldn't have done it. Go with him. I fell for a stupid trick because I believed him. That he liked me. He appreciated me. But I was wrong. I don't think he appreciates anybody but himself. I don't know. It is impossible to put ourselves into somebody else shoes. I think I go back because I want to convince myself that it is right when it is so wrong. It was wrong since the beginning. Why did I let myself do it. I believed him. I took a chance and believe him. I think the best thing is to stay away from him. Like I say the best action is no action sometimes. No words. Just move on. Everything has been said and done anyway there is nothing to add. Time to let go and to jump in the unknown. M is gone too. 1 year and 9 months. I miss him from time to time. I guess it is normal we shared something. Something special. A certain understanding. But I have 2 daughters and it wasn't possible. As I use to say, in the absolute maybe but not on earth. I have very fond memories of him. His cat lives with us since his departure. She is a wild cat. Very independent and so beautiful. Silence. I started to listen to house music again. I started the gym. I'll train with the best trainer. Why not be in top shape. What Am I scared of... I was thinking of that too. That we can't be scared. Stop being scared. I use not to be scared of anything. But I am a mom now and it is different. I have the two most amazing daughters to take care of. Sometimes I think that I am autistic. I wonder. When I look at something I look at it on all angles. I look deeper. It is weird. Like a want to have the big picture. It is my curious spirit and mind. I was always curious. I give myself certain rights. I think I am above. I don't follow rules. I break them. In certain circumstances. But I get bored easily. At one point it is only repetition. I look at myself more closely. I control my actions more. I try to use my mind over my emotions. Mind first than emotion. Always. Instead of thinking I do what I want and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I prefer not to act. I am calm now. I am contempt. I see everybody go on trips like girouette metaphysique but I'm happy where I am. I am in love with my city. The place where I live. I think about that too, that God put me here in this country, province, city, neighborhood, in this time. I feel I need to do good and be nice and bring something positive in the world we live in. I started to pick up plastic bottles and I put them in the recycle when I see them on the street or else. It is my new thing. I was also thinking that we are in 2018. And in 2018, it is time for women to stand for their rights. Respect. And respect starts at home. On that note, lets say good bye. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-29713177805292963532018-09-24T19:10:00.001-07:002018-10-10T19:40:49.375-07:00What is freedom<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was thinking that we live in a crazy times, we go from hyper realism to superficialism,if it is even a term, or fake realism however you want to call it. The artificial seems natural and truth sounds false. In the overdose of informations that lead us to dead ends or emptiness we have to surf our own waves and go against the stream and see with other own eyes, draw with our hands, feel with our own soul. The idea for me now is to reveal the hidden good, the one concealed and for doing that the ego has to retract to make place for the revelation. It is funny how people are not only lost in the reflection of themselves but the perfected false version of themselves. It is a form of self slavery. self enslavement. What is freedom? True freedom. In Les Racines du Ciel of Romain Gary my favorite author when I was a teenager, the hero is imprisoned during the second world war as a political prisoner with others from the Resistance and what saved them for depressions and despair is the thoughts of the elephant roaming free in the savannas of Africa. I always wanted to visit Africa since I read this book. He wrote about the stars in the African desert. It is maybe one of the first ecological book, anti-hunting. Freedom is a state of being. The true freedom of the mind cannot manifest itself within some sorts of limits. We can't grow without pressure. We can't be who truly are without overcoming adversity. Never give up. My great aunt Jouji who did the concentration camp told me that once. Never give up. L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. Now I tell myself that if I pick up one empty plastic bottle thrown on the street by someone who must think that it is gonna dissolve by itself and put in a recycling bin me being out was worth. It is a new dada of mine. Picking up plastic bottles. I myself surprise of the number I pick up every day. I wish I could start a movement. Because if everyone of us would do a little, the sums would be a enormous. I'm thinking it is a start. Every start has a beginning. Time is like a spiral that turns and go up. The whole thing made me wiser and calmer. I know I use this word calmer over and over again but it is still surprising for me to feel grounded, connected and calm. And not hooked on the stars, disconnected and wired. I think it is because I feel safe. To that I say L'Chaim, to life, to this new year, may It be sweet and good. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Don't be scared, Hashem your G-d is in each of your steps. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-67667253633541808882018-09-22T07:28:00.002-07:002018-09-22T07:43:10.998-07:00Reflecting on the year that passed and the New Year<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My life is calm. Finally. And I feel calm. I never felt calm before. More like a lion in a cage. My brain like a ping pong match. I moved on. I like my job and the people I work with. I started doing some volunteering at the CHUM in oncology and I just love doing it. I wish I could go more often. I go whenever I have a day off. I cut M entirely and his mom. I'm back with Sam. It is what it is. I feel at home when I am with him. Let's see. Nothing compare to him. Its in G-d's hands, He decides. There is nothing I can do only accept. Overall I think the year was good. Sometimes I feel like I should fastened my seat belts. So for next year, I want to be better than I am now. I have a feeling that the worst is in the past until the next time. But for now, it is all good. I'm asking G-d a good and sweet year. In the concealed good and in the sweet. Because life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. Like my grand-father use to say: The only way to stay alive is to get old. Life exists in the movement not in the stillness. Without changes there can't be no life. I told him that I prefer him now than before. Now that he is older. I told him that he is the only one that I love. That my former relationship was an optic illusion. Une illusion d'optique. I go to get massage t a chinese place. It's a treatment. She's healing my body. I can feel the changes already. She is magical. My body needed it. Get rid of the stress that was accumulated. It's a total cure. I didn't go back to cigarettes. I'm walking the line. I'm controlling my emotions and thinking first with my head. I'm less emotional. But I'm still tensed. I have a difficulty to let go. And I'm in charge of my two daughters, alone. It is a big responsibility so I have to stay alert. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I like where I live. It's all good. Barush Hashem </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Thanking G-d every morning every day, Mode Ani</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I made it through the changes, the only way to overcome it is to go through it. New beginning, the eternal beginning, I arrive only to begin something else. Les voies de D-eu sont impénétrables. Stronger than ever, wiser than ever, calmer than ever, happier than ever. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I am who I am. Taking responsibility, </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I think social media is so popular is because it offers other kind of information, good diifferent, free information, not only the bad news that we are use to see in more conformist avenues. And the fact that we can share our ideas for free in the web accessible to the entire world. Dream warriors, soul serachers, people of the world unite. We are all children of G-d. One love, One world, Peace, Shalom, Salam </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-30180020688852095682018-02-24T20:01:00.003-08:002018-02-24T20:01:33.887-08:00Silence<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Someone wrote a comment a positive comment on one of my post and It made me want to write again after 9 months of silence, a gestation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I am changed. I'm calmer. I'm alone now since a year and one month. 13 months that hes gone. I miss him everyday but I know that it was the only issue. I will always care about him. I will never forget hi, Because of him I have changed. I rather be alone than to be with anybody. Because I know now how it feels to be at peace with someone. Like I say in the absolute it was the perfect relation but we don't live in the absolute we live in reality and in reality it didn't make sense. I learned with him. He taught me a lot. Emotional stability. I just loved being with him. My kids miss him. I think sometimes that it's the last taboo. An older woman with a younger man.But a man indeed. At the same time young still. I miss him. He was my companion. He was next to me. Now there's no one. Because If I replace him with someone that someone will be serious and marry me nothing else. If not I have my daughters to take cae off. Thats my priorities. To be there present at home is more important than anything else. But if I meet someone that make us stronger to be together it will be positive for my daughters as well. But I'm not going backward that's for sure. I rather be alone. The thing is when we are raised by bad parents it teaches us what not to do and not to replicate. It's in my head. Sometimes I know how my parents would have reacted to a situation because I see myself do the same and than I force myself to correct my reaction because I don not want to replicate that's also for sure. I'm a good mom because I don't transmit what I didnt like growing up, thanks to my mother Im a good mom. A better mom at least. But I know I'm a good mothet and thats more important than anything else it goes above everything and nothing passes before that. Rule number 1. Rule number 2 be present, be there, caring and nurturing. Supportive soft and strict but above all always on their side, I read in a book about challah by Rochie Pinson that you have to have always more sugar than salt, always more love than discipline. Positive reinforcement. To be there when they cry they need comfort, advices, directions or just to touch base. I feel blessed because I'm a mom, I feel blessed twice. Its the biggest happiness of my life to have the honor to be a mom. I realigned my life since hes gone. I am more established in our new place, in our new neighborhood and in my new job. The apartment looks very good. Its a very nice place. Much better than the last one. Smaller but much better. Its very well divided. You can see that someone put some thoughts of how to use the space in the most functional way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have to work on making myself feeling secure and confident. Like the quote from Hillel: If Im not for myself who will be but If Im only for myself who am I and if not now when? Self love. Studying with my favorite rabbis. Watching their videos and reading books. Continuing my spiritual journey. That also helps me to walk the line not only help prevents me for not walking the line. G-d is my guide. I stopped smoking. I sleep early wake up early. I started running. . And I walk every day. I do my stretching and I buy more organic than before. Still I would like to meet someone. The right one this time for the good reasons. Time will tell</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Thats about it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Shalom</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-72228856501299969532017-05-05T13:32:00.002-07:002017-05-05T13:38:51.904-07:00New commitment<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I use to think that I was getting somewhere or more precisely that I was getting there, whatever what that where was. Now I think I'm already there just trying to be better everyday. There's nowhere else to be than now. What matters is how you act, how you talk, how you think today. Conscious of the transcendent presence of the present.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In this period of time, we are counting the Omer during 49th days. we are at 25th day. Each week is a reflection of the 7 sephirot in relation with each other. First weeks was about the 3 primary "internal emotions": </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Chesed: love , Gevurah: discipline and their synthesis in the middle, Tiferet or harmon</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">y.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The weeks we are in now are in relation to the outer emotions also divided in three: Netzah which is confidence and perseverance, Hod: humility and devotion and the unifying agent: relationship and intimacy. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Today is day 25 so its Netzah of Netzah: endurance in compassion. Do I have endurance within my commitment? And the proposed exercise for the day by Rabbi Jacobson: Commit yourself in developing a new good habit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Learn to speak properly, but also learn to listen, and listen deeply. The greatest gift we can give another is to listen to them and allow them to be".</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">From the Garden of Paradox, Dovber Pinson.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's my aim to be a good listener, to take out my self and my own ego off the conversation and to be there for the person sharing his/her thoughts with me. Also, I decided to delete all the bad words of my speech. It is like spitting toxic out of my mouth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Nowadays, somehow just saying F...in a sentence makes anything automatically cool...for some reason. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It says a lot of the state of the world we live in today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's my new commitment: good listener and good speaker</span><br />
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.MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-25697817816372731092017-04-26T07:26:00.001-07:002017-04-26T09:07:29.182-07:00Belief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the beginning of the MBRTRB project, I thought of creating a line of streetwear dedicated to good vibes, dance, djs and house music. I wanted to take the t-shirt as a canvas to send positive messages into this world on walking bilboard sort to speak. Then it moved to a creative outlet on instagram mainly but also Twitter, Facebook and Soundcloud. I had a value dilemna. Why put another t-shirt line on the market, did the world really needed another clothing line when I knew all the waste from fast fashion and fashion itself. The idea now is to take recycled t-shirt or t-shirt coming from a social cause like the ones from Project Pieta, projectpieta.com</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> . The t-shirts have to carry something as well, not just be eco-conscious but also social conscious. The vessel and the source have to be in harmony. One nourishing the other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In kabbalah, it is understood that everything has a vessel and an essence. The words and their meaning, our body and our soul, our eyes and our view, the sun and the light etc. My t-shirts and the messages. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Also I want to add new messages. More in tune with where I am now. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I started to buy almost only vintage clothes. It started as an obligation due to budget restrictions but it moved now to a new habit and challenge. I always loved mixing anyway. I"m a mix myself , part Slovaque, part Palestinian, par French canadian, par Scottish, Jewsih.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I always believed in inclusion and not exclusion.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">3 months since my love was deported. Missing him everyday.</span></div>
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<br />MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-1449259217635041252017-04-02T19:04:00.002-07:002017-04-02T19:04:27.737-07:00The definition of self is fluid<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Alcohol was never an issue for me. I never liked to drink. I must have been the only coke head who didn't drink. I had water. Never liked the feeling of being drunk, the losing control part. On coke I was under control apart from being controlled by the coke itself. I loved being stoned. All of it. The buying, the making the lines, the sniffing, the going out. Everything. I wanted to feel like I had been smashed by a train That was the extent of my addiction. Prior to my years on coke I spent 4 years being stoned on LSD. I stopped everything without help cold turkey at 30 years old. So I claimed. One day it was there and the following day it was gone. Or almost gone. Once in a while I would indulge myself again. Until my first daughter was 2 and half years old. Then it was mainly gone for good. But always there still, undercover, in the back. Then when I left my husband it came back. Not as much, not as strong, but coke made its entry again maybe twice a year and weed. I never was a smoker but it replaced the coke. It made its way in my life every day. At one point from morning to night. Someone asked me when I started smoking pot I answered when I stopped taking coke. I was rationalizing my smoking. I don't take anti-</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">depressant, it is my prozac but natural. It is a plant after all and they're thinking of legalizing it anyway. It was also part of the ritual I had with my love. We use to smoke together. It was something we shared. Smoking. With his departure I stopped. It's been 3 months. And I'm not planning to go back. I don't want to take anything that alters my mind even non addictive. But it's a fight. I have in the back of my head. Only once what could be bad...You can do it this time and then stop for a few months again. I have to tell myself.Whenever I feel tempted what is it gonna bring you, what is it gonna add to your day. You gonna be stoned so what. Breath in breath out. I can't go back if I truly want to move forward it can't be part of my life anymore. It has to be a thing of the pa</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">st. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I want to live my life without any artificial substance. I want to face it with a clear head with all my senses intact. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Today I went to a NA meeting with a friend. I took a 3 month chip. people came to me saying that I was an inspiration and that they saw some good things in the future for me. I was always shy to sharre thinking it was a personal thing. Between me and me. But it made me realize that it is selfish not to share. If I can be an inspiration for someone to help him out of this terrible situation that is addiction. I have to get out of myself and share. I remember going to meetings the first time with my friend. Stoned on weed. Thinking it wasn"t for me. I stopped without meetings. Until I came to the conclusion that I was still an addict to the point now of picking up a chip. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've come a long way baby.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The definition of self is fluid</span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-64558362749717816902017-04-02T11:56:00.000-07:002017-04-02T18:36:34.805-07:00Physical and spiritual cleaning<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was a child my dad use to call me Miss Contrary and I think that title still suits me. All my life I've been going against the stream. It's in my nature. I've been surfin on my own waves, on my own mind. I remember as a teenager, I wanted to deconstruct myself to reconstruct it the way I wanted to be. It was a conscious will. My mom left the house. When I was 15 years old. Really left. To live her life. She said it was either that or madness. Without a mom and having no relationship with my dad, apart from our fights and his screams, I had no attachments. I could create a new self. Or begin my way of creating a new self. I use to think that I was raised by 2 mentally unstable and dysfunctional parents. We were neglected privileged kids. My rebellion started at 17 years old, but my true downfall began when I left my boyfriend after 6 years together at 23 years old. I knew if i left him, i would fall down the rabbit hole with no one to catch me. I knew also that the fall was necessary, essential. I had to go to the end of it. And to the end I went. I knew I was speeding toward a brick wall but I didn't care. I was going to crash, eyes wide open. The only thing that was keeping me alive was my desire to have a child, a girl. My dream child like a friend was calling her before she was even conceived. Once I fainted on the dance floor of a club so stoned by all the drugs I had taken. When I woke up the friend with who I was told me that he thought i was dead. I answered how can I be dead I didn't have my child yet. I was going to have a child and it will be a girl. Today I have 2 daughters. To be a mother was the only thing that kept me alive during those years. Everything else was a slow conscious suicide, a conscious self destruction. I felt like a stranger on a strange land. Disconnected. No relation with the humans around me. I was thinking: we're not from the same species, we don't talk the same language. We can't communicate. I liked to be on drugs, accrochée aux étoiles, flying in space, no desire to be on the ground. I claimed I was a black hole, no limits. Completely stable, no bad trips. Without law, without morality. I was so arrogant. G-d was my only confident. It was him that I was meeting on the dance floor. My sole companion. Detached. You can touch my body but you won't have my soul. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This year, 25 years later, I learned to be humble. For a while, I felt as though I was doing time. Maybe it's all the documentary I watched on prisoners and prisons. When you do time, you're forced to be patient, you need to work on certain areas in your life in order to move out from the place you're in. Furthermore, there's certain things you can't do because if you do them, you go back in time, moving backward instead of forward. I finished my time and I have changed. Instead of looking for people that holds me back I'm looking for people that will take me higher. I began a conversation with a disciple of one of the rabbi I'm following and we became friend. I'm still watching my favorite rabbis' videos. They helped me go through all the changes I had to deal with last year. Without them I wouldn't have been able to make it. They were and they are my guides. Their teachings are at the core of my evolution. They gave me and they give me comfort and soothing at the times I needed it the most and at all times. Whenever I feel my level of stress is to high I put on a video. I use to listen to deep house almost 7 days a week all day long. I hardly listen to music anymore and If I do I put hebrew music or kabbalistic music. The idea is to lower the level of tension to the maximum. I need peace and quietness. I seek for silence when I couldn't bare silence before. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Cleaning cleaning cleaning. Physical cleaning and spiritual cleaning. We are right before Pessah. Which is about cleaning our soul and getting rid of the ego. I want to enter Pessah this year, with a clean soul and clean mind and a clean body. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-84151422573431566252017-03-22T18:21:00.000-07:002017-03-22T18:21:02.194-07:00The creation of the new or how to let go of the old<br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A lot have happened lately. Yet again, not only another beginning but a true new beginning</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My love have been deported to his country. It was a shock. Although I've been praying for him to go back. His situation was in a dead end. There is no future for an illegal immigrant. Lots of worries. I was praying for him to leave because that was the only way to end this relationship that didn't make sense for any of us. Even if we loved or love each other. I have a tendency to live in the absolute. It is not always good. Life is here on earth and the earth has material demands that the absolute only can"t fulfill. So now that he is gone, I sleep early, wake up early, go to work, take care of my children. I never thought teenagers needed their mom so much. How did I do it without a mom by my side. (I didn't do very well...It was total chaos.)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I stopped everything cigarettes, weed. I don't drink, i eat healthy, I have a small routine exercise that I do every morning. I live a good and simple life. I look rested. For some people it is easy to walk the line, for me, it is always a fight. I have to force myself to be disciplined, to stay on the right track. Every day it takes discipline and effort. But one day It will become second nature. First we have to refrain, second engage into new positive habits. I apply for volunteering. Set up a charity box in my house. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">For once in my life, I live according to my means. Which is enormous. Funny how I make a third of what I use to make and I don't borrow money anymore. I cut everywhere the unnecessary. I buy my clothes in thrift store which is the future. I'm thinking of a way to do the same with MBRTRB. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The members are going up on instagram and I haven't given up on it just yet. Eventually the way will appear to me.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The idea is to see ourselves as a perfect human being. Which we are. Our soul is. Perfect. Better to aim at a perfect self than at an imperfect being. Better aim high than low. Instead of thinking I'm not good or I cant do this or be that etc., repeating and conveying what we heard people say about us, parents, teachers, family, peers, whoever, we have to think outside of that exterior knowledge of who we are. We have to get rid of the image of how we view ourselves and begin to construct a new self f</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">ree of those external judgments. Why not change angle? Get out of our comfort zone and redefine ourselves.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Instead of saying I'm a disaster when it comes to finance, think I always manage my budget. Dare to think outside of our own definition of who we are. That is, if you want to move forward. It is strange how we become attached to the way we are, stuck in the status quo. Often we have to be forced to change. Because change doesn't come easy. It is a painful and scary state. There is this unsettling moment where we find ourselves in a no man's land, leaving the shore but not yet at our destination, facing the unknown, leaving the security of what we knew until then. Reassessing our needs and our wants and readjusting our trajectory to something different from what we were accustomed until then. Not denying the past but creating a new definition of who we are. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> "Following the light of the sun, we left the old world". Christopher Columbus. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The term G-d is not used in Kabbalah, but Eternal Light. So that's what I did, forced out of my old world: my job, my apartment and lastly with the departure of my love, I followed the Light and asked for His guidance on this new journey. And Blessed be he, I made it thanks to Him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's all I can say: B'H' I made it, I made it. I made it through the other side and the transformation is almost complete. I can clearly claim I'm not the same. I have changed for the better. I am a new woman. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-55314002914864066912017-01-15T08:38:00.001-08:002017-01-15T10:46:09.054-08:00Breaks and Pause and Balance and Reaassement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Life is made of pause and movement. Of shadow and light. I've been in the shadow for a while. Had to pause myself. Reassessment. I was also stuck. Voluntarily stuck. I guess I didn't want to rush anything. I wanted to take it slowly. I thought it will unfold by itself. I guess putting my faith in the hands of God. Asking him for an answer. Waiting patiently. I will see it when times comes. I always thought from a very long time, always, that things happens this way because that's how they were meant to happen because exactly they happened that way. Each moment has a lesson. Each person we meet whoever they are, taxi driver, cashier, coworkers, people on the street, has something to teach us. Life is a learning journey. From this moment to this moment, from now to now, one step at the time. I use to be in rush. Explosive, wild, without laws but my own. I'm different now. Last year taught me modesty and discretion and humility. I stopped biting my nails which is a never seen before. And I'm thinking why not me? Why do I think it can't be for me...why not? What stopping me, the risk of failure, so what. We create our own limitations. We are so much in it that we don't see it anymore. It becomes part of our personality and ultimately our life. So all that to say going back to MBRTRB with a new collaborator, a young woman who studied in communication in France. She will help me with marketing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Before I use to think if I stop believing in it who will...and I think I stopped for a while believing in the infinite possibility of life</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Be my own sunshine</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Until next time, keep it real</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Peace and love always</span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-25731234720693190892016-11-24T18:53:00.003-08:002016-11-24T18:54:07.814-08:00Gratitude<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At the beginning of Exodus, Myriam is sent, by jer motherm to watch over her brother Moshes who was in a basket in the water. Acknowledging gratitude. The difficulty is to be grateful for what we have. I'm in a hard school right now. I work with a very special person, mentally special. OCB. Or border line autistic. Whatever it is he's special. And I don't know how to remain calm when he starts. Whenever he is stress and it happens quite often. Especially when I'm tired. He's overwhelming. And we work in a small place. And tightly together. He never let go. He comments on everything. Like we say in French, il exagère. He goes over board. Today, I couldn't believe what he was saying. At the same time he has a big heart. I know that. But he complicates everything. I need to find a way to deal with him. Not to let him get to me. Not let it affects me. I am stronger then that. I'm better than that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We are messengers. Our whole being is a gift. Soul and breathing are intrinsically connected. We have to share what we have. We live in a very narcissistic and egoistic world. So often people forgets to share. The soul needs as the body needs exercice, exercice as well. Real success in life begins when we are standing on something right. By allowing people to be different they become one. Harmony within diversity. I'm a channel to bring the light into the world. Interface to something greater. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was a child I was wondering about the feeling of happiness I got when I did a good gesture. I was asking myself: was that feeling making the gesture selfish. It isn't selfish. In contrary. It is the instantaneous effect of that gesture. Give and receive almost instantaneously. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> To be thankful for what we have, to express gratitude to something greater than us. First step of a meaningful life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Lessons learned from Rabbi Simon Jacobson</span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-22972123121619842752016-11-14T07:32:00.004-08:002016-11-14T08:08:14.473-08:00Better late than never or in order to give we have to be able to receive or me first or time to grow up<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I came to a realization that I never thought me first. I always put other first. I never stood for myself. I thought I was. Raising my girls, it strikes me how we learn from imitation. We transmit what we learned from our education good or bad beause that's what we know. We can't reproduce something we don't know. If I'm in this type of relationship it is because that's what I saw growing up as a teenager. Of Hillel famous quote:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>If I am not for others, what am I? </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>And if not now, when?” </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; line-height: 21px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I only took the second part, not the first. I understand now that without the first part you can never truly be for others. I now have to learn to receive. It is not as simple as it seems. Me first like a mantra. I heard that recommandation from 2 sources lately. Like in stereo. I al;ways put myself at the convenience of others. What was suitable for them was suitable for me. On the other hand like Hillel states I cannot be only for my own ego. But Me comes first nonetheless in a flowing and harmonious movement. Me first because they will survive. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #433a3a; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>'"We can never receive something new and bigger, </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #433a3a; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>unless we let go of something else first! </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #433a3a; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>It’s the law of the universe; we need to make space for the new. "</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #433a3a; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Yael Yardeni</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #433a3a; font-size: 16px; line-height: 24px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have to let go of my comfort zone and jump into Me, what I truly want, what I truly desire and not settle for nothing else. And I won't try to rationalize it in my mind.Time to grow up.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #433a3a; font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">And most of all what we did or do what happened to us don't define who we are. Who we are is perfect. We can at all time come back to our true self because it has always been there.</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #433a3a; font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">Shalom </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #433a3a; font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 24px;">Peace and love always</span></span></div>
MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-22767792383955154202016-11-06T09:06:00.001-08:002016-11-06T09:29:13.666-08:00Movement<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In judaism, time is viewed as a spiral. Going forward, backward but always upward, like the DNA. Time began with the creation of the world. And with time, History. And with time, movement. I remembeùr thinking as a teanager that I wanted to deconstruct or depart from all the acquired conditions of my education to create my own self. I wanted to believe that could be done. I'm a product of my education but I also evolved from it. I'm grateful for certain things, actually I should say that I'm grateful for everything because that made me who I am today, it permitted what I became. We can't escape from your past but we can get out our comfort zone leave the shore and fly. Some people get stuck in their pettiness littleness, misery and stay in it because it is safe to remain in what they know. They're not courageous enough to take the leap of faith have trust and get out. The door is just there it might even be opened even though they look through but they don't move. Status quo. I think there is nothing worse but to be in a status quo. Not living just existing. Alive but still dead. Like the line on the screen when the heart stops to beat. No movement no exiatence. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I heard a rabbi say that we shouldn't be asking for an easy life but for a meaningful life. An easy life is not the key. The key is the meaning of our life. It's purpose. I looked for purpose all my life. Why was I on earth...I wanted to be a mother for that reason, to give meaning. If nothing else, to be a mother was the ultimate purpose for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To create desire, a dream. The desire is born out of need,of manque...We only desire what we don't have, what we have we love. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Unity in diversity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-41976927449665624722016-10-08T16:19:00.005-07:002016-10-09T14:08:04.408-07:00Ground zero<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I was a teenager I use to think that i'd rather live in an apartmwent with love than a house without love. It never occured to me that could live in a house with love. I thought money was the source of the problem. Bourgeoisie. I sang les Bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient bête les bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient vieux plus ça devient cons. Je crois que c'était des idées à ma mère qui vivait sa période hippie et Peace and love with her lover. Recently my father said that we were raised by fucked up parents and I agree to that. But the past is by definition passed and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. For many years I was a victim of my past. I realized at one point that the only person who was getting hurt by my auto destruction was me. I don't think that I'm totally cured. But I'm getting there. Last year gave me no choice let's see what's this year has in mind. Making a commitment to be a person in action in thoughts and in words. Wiser. More humble. More in tune with my soul. </span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-66867479836229534502016-09-24T19:37:00.002-07:002016-09-25T17:40:37.675-07:00Back to reality<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In judaism, new year is arriving on the 3rd of October this year. I pray for it to be a sweet year or at least a sweeter year. But I feel optimistic which was hard for a while. There's a good vibe. I heard recently from a rabbi that what happens to you us don't define us. We are not our business card. We are spiritual beings living a material experience. Not the reverse. For the first time in my life I work hard for my money. It's boot camp. Most probably I needed it. I finally adjusted to my new place don't miss my old place at all anymore. My apartment is coming together also. More and more put together sort to speak. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. Regaining. I love the people with who I work. Every human has a divine soul. Each and everyone of us. I follow my heart as always I keep the spirit as always I kick my ass and I get going as always I only pray that this year will be better than last year but already it feels better. 5676 was a learning year for me. But I know it made me a better person. The only way to grow is to get out of our comfort zone but we can only do that, most of the time when we are force out. My values changed and I know now that, if I needed a proof, that money doesnt buy happiness. It made me humble and grateful. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It striked me the other day when I gave soft foods to my cats after giving them hard food for 2 weeks how they all thanked me before eating. The same we are asked to thank the one who is giving us substenance before meals. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">i'm ready to get higher or deeper. Moving forward. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">MBRTRB is growing steadily except on FB which I don't truly care. I have to put it on Snapchat. Next step. </span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-48787032487652035852016-08-18T17:52:00.001-07:002016-08-18T17:52:24.725-07:00The light sends us what we need<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's been almost 5 months since the last day of my contract. I'm slowly adapting myself to the new situation and although I'm still in a financial mess, I'm learning a lot I like my new job. I got into the rythme of having a strict schedule, an apron to wear, my coworkers and my boss. It's fine. It's quite physical but I don't mind. I'm in good shape. I'm watching lots of videos on youtube people who were sent to prison for whatever and how the came out of it. It is quite interesting and ones about people who escaped from Prison. I'm glad someone thought of giving them a voice. 2 visions in a way. I'm thinking I"m in a sort of the same position where I'm in a position I didn't choose but I have to deal with. It's all in the attitude. How we take it. What we do of it. Do we learn or not. No rush. I learned to be patient. Life has it's own rythme. And at the same time create a movement. Because we can't be static. Stay in one place forever. If not physically mentally at least.There's all sort of ways to travel. I know as a fact that travelling is overrated. Of course when you live it it's nice but it doesn't give much afterward only the memories and the pictures. Some of the most open minded people have never travelled I'm sure. One has nothing to do with the other. Travelling is an egoistic pleasure.Some of the most depressed too. I'm thinking one day at the time. From now to now. From here to there. One step at the time. Thinking I shouldn't be scare because the light is in every of my step.</span><div>
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MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-39000308375713804762016-07-08T19:04:00.000-07:002016-07-08T20:13:17.547-07:00Long time no see<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I've havent written for a very long time. I've been installing myself into my new life. Adjusting to a new neighborhood and a new job. It's very different from before and i realize now, how much of a princess I was, event though, I thought of myself ortherwise. I think I'm now to the post doctorat in humility. St-Henri is very different from Westmount. It's dirty and very mix socially. The Third World is closer then you think, but it's very diverse and I always loved diversity. We are all children of God. We all come from the same ancestors. We are all human. Rich and poor, black or white, gay or heterosexual. There is a divine spark in all of us. So I go for the good in people. As much as I can. Although, sometimes it is better to just stay away. I love the employees and my new boss. All the guys are gays which is refreshing, not as tight as it was at my old job. I like the girls too. One older and jewish one younger and black. Everybody has something special and unique. I never worked with that type of employees before. And I work with beautiful products and a sophisticated clientele. Everybody is quite stylish. It reminds me of Cartier. I loved working at Cartier. I loved everything about it. But my new job comes close to it. It is not as high end and i don't sell diamonds but the buyers are in the same vibe sort to speak. Money wise it is a disaster. But a lesson nonetheless. I'm more conscious of the way I was spending before, thinking that It was essential when actually it is not at all, so I cut in things I never thought before I would or I could cut. I buy in second hands store and I'm perfectly dressed and in Saint-Henri I am not as much tempted. And he is back. Which feels very good. I had to come to the conclusion that I love him and he loves me and that I have to deal with it. It is a fact. He is the love of my life. I don't feel the age difference anymore. He teaches me things I didn't know. He teaches me trust. He makes me see life from an another perspective. I feel I want to build with him. Let's see where this story goes. From here to here from now to now. No stress. I surf on the flow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Regarding MBRTRB, waiting to have some funds available to produce the respect t-shirts in red and pink. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Found the right guy to print them. lives very close to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Still going forward, still kicking ass</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-4089812425529265352016-06-02T18:18:00.001-07:002016-06-02T18:18:13.038-07:00Lesson in humility step 4 and Just for today <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've started my new job as a sale person. I can't say I hate it. It's fun to be interacting with clients again even with my co-workers. It's a hard job, really low paid, on my legs all day and listening to my manager speak non stop. I'm grateful that I'm at an age and a state of mind when I don't argue anymore. I just answer yes you're absolutely right, yes it's true, yes I'll do it every time he says something to me. I did my first cleaning job. That was kind of fun. Cute small loft owned by a young marketing director. I thought the entire time everything is Kung Fu. Even my sale job could be Kung Fu. Meaning everything can be a kind of meditation depending on the perspective we choose. It takes efforts. As in Kung Fu: preparation, practice, repetition. Certains things need to be done over and over again to obtain a degree of perfection. Perfection in humility it most exist. I started to enjoy cooking. It has to do with my new kitchen which is bigger and brighter than my old one but I'm sure with my being right now. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes. I even took a chip at NA the newcomer chip which said: just for today. I think it is a great mantra. Do it today, tomorrow is not there yet. So it's been 3 weeks without weed. I have to admit that the fact that I have no money to put on weed helps but nonetheless I did it. The first week was quite hard. I became very depressed and I had major headaches. But it is gone now. I replaced it with a clear mind. I even dreamed that I was enjoying having a clear mind. I feel lighter. I didn't have to say no to someone offering weed yet. Let's see what will happen then. Will I give myself permission? That chip is still a commitment. I've been attending meetings with a friend since 3 years now. He took many chips as me I never thought I would take one one day. I always thought I could stop whenever I wanted and weed wasn't a drug like crystal meth or coke or crack...but it is drug nonetheless. And even though it is said that it isn't addictive I cried for 2 days and I had headaches which is something I don't normally have. Somebody once asked me when did I start smoking weed and I answered when I stop snorting coke. I replaced one addiction with another. I think that we addict that's what we do. It could be sex also or food or gambling the list is long. Anyway now I have my chip. My friend pushed me to take it. I had no intention to do it. I told him that I felt I was a fraud because everybody was holding me and congratulating me like I stopped a crack addiction but also because I wasn't sure of that life long commitment. But the main idea is to stop smoking weed like I was doing every day sometimes from lunch to bedtime. I never thought It was a real problem because I was a functional addict. I worked on it, took care of my daughters, did my errance. It didn't stop me from doing what I had to do. Nonetheless even it we hear that it is good for this and that and so on and so forth, it is a drug because it altered my brain and it makes me high. Maybe now I don't need that kind of high. I'm naturally high and I truly feel I'll go higher now that I ever been being high with a clear mind and a healthy soul within a healthy body.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I hope you're not afraid of heights ! :)</span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-43735116824227286112016-05-25T14:08:00.002-07:002016-05-25T14:08:55.328-07:00From one door to another<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I use to think that I was going from beginning to beginning but actually it is more going from the opening of one door to the opening of another door. Sometimes I get stuck between two doors or I choose the wrong door. But eventually I get to move forward. We can't go forward without going backward. We need this time of status quo or descending movement to go up again. The idea is not to get stuck there. It is easy to get stuck. It's easier to climb down than to to climb up. Also, we know the ground, we're use to it, the summit is unknown. And what's unknown is often scary. But it is exactly that fear that prevents us to see the light. </span><div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Almost everyone when face to difficulties starts by denying it and tends to deal with it when there's nothing no other choice but to change or drowned. Because change is hard. It's not comfortable. Quite the contrary. It takes effort and discipline and faith and trust. Because true change comes from the inside. We have to change the way our brain is wired, wired by our education, experiences, family. We have to rewire our brain. Make new neurones connections. For instance, if someone has anger problems. A way to modify his reactions would be to think that every time he will feel anger, he'll transform anger with something else, breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, anything. Then, slowly, by repetition and practice he will change his reaction with a more positive reaction. But that takes effort and discipline and perseverance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been praying and doing exercices now for almost 6 months. Praying not only for me but for my family, my friends and the world. I'm starting to feel the change. I feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel more giving, more open, less resentful. I've been asking to be a better mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I understand certain things better. I'm ready to wait because I'm not scared anymore. I don't need instant gratification because I know that real gratification takes time. And the difference is that I dont only know it superficially but I truly deeply know it . </span></div>
MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-8556071360176785892016-05-23T08:47:00.003-07:002016-05-24T19:38:54.959-07:00I've come a long way<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">A long time ago, in the nineties, I use to go out a lot. I mean really a lot, almost every night and I use to dance. Once, I was at one of the early Black and Blue, the big party organized by the LGBT community and there was a rumor that Madonna was there. I thought impossible, if she was there, she would be dancing next to me. That's how humble I was at the time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I danced from midnight to dawn, none stop. I danced like my life depended on it. I danced completely fucked up on drugs, whatever they were, whatever came, LSD, cocaine, GHB, Extacy... I was a black hole. I once told a friend that when I took drugs I wanted to feel as I was hit by a train. Absolutely conscious, absolutely disconnected by purpose. Above. All that to say that I know house music from the best, from the originals. I know house music from the time that house music began. I went to openings of the first after hours. I was there from the start. And I had that expression back then: Members of the Tribe. A community of people united by the love of house music, by the acceptance of difference in people, anti-conformism and by the idea of spreading good vibes to the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">MBRTRB was born out of that concept. I always lived my life as an artist, intuitively but also intellectually. The difference is that at the time I was staying above not wanted to come down and that now I feel grounded, my two feet on earth with my head still in the sky. Like it is said: stay above, be within. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It is a question of balance. The idea is not to be so high up that you separate yourself from humanity. I use to say, I live by them but without them. I was using the energy for my own narcissism. The others were a sole reflection of my own vision. I was a monster. My ego filled all the place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Life taught me humility. Only in humility could I truly find god. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The more I learn, the more I understand that I know nothing. Still, I'm peeling the layers, one by one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I pray every day.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I came a long way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And the journey has just begun.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">House music is still part of my life. House music is intrinsic to MBRTRB. One goes with the others. It is within the soul of MBRTRB. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And as I say: Bitch, I know my shit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-91686625091175095792016-05-21T07:49:00.002-07:002016-05-21T07:52:45.061-07:00Going political<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Ohm: is considered to be the universal sound of the universe because it begins with the first sound which is the opening of the mouth A or O and finishes with the last sound M which is the closing of the mouth. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Now that I lost my contracts with the Quebec government, I've been confronted with the different Quebec social agencies. I can't asked unemployment because I was self employed. I would receive a big 69$ of welfare. I told the Quebec employee: you're giving 1000$ to my friend who's a crack addict addict and me a single mother with 2 children I get 69$, it's a real joke ! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Then I can't get any trainings with the Centre d'Emploi because I'm not on welfare or unemployment. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm also completely appalled by the fact that the banks charge us 4$ fees every time we take out money from the teller of another institution. It's legal theft, they fuck us in the ass and everyone seems to find it normal. And I'm not talking of all the other charges...Paid, of course, by the little people, not the rich. They exempted from fees of course.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How can a person get by on a minimum wage salary ? All humans are entitled to have a decent life where they shouldn't worry how they will put food on the table, especially if they are working, especially if they have children to feed.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's shocking to think that women still suffer from salary inequity and at the same time the ones who take care of the children after a separation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Watched again "Inequality for all". What a great documentary by Robert Reich. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It is said that contrary to the popular beliefs, owners of companies are not job creators like they like to claim but it is the middle class who is a job creator because it it the middle class who contributes to 70% of the consumption in a country like the US. If the middle class can't buy products, companies are doomed. Also did you know that the salary of middle class workers decreased since the 70s while the cost of life increased and while the big industries got there taxes cut tremendously? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I gave to a political party for the first time: the NDP, 3$ ok not a big amount, I can't do more in the circumstances but still...and I gave 5$ to Humans of New York for the pediatric cancer research. I felt good about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I find also weird that people confuse what we do with what we are. If I have a great job doesn't mean I'm great. It just means I have a good job that's all.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Donald Trump is the living example, if we needed one. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Accomplishment comes from the heart and out, not from money and in. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Money doesn't make you a good person, it just makes you rich. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That's all. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So you have a good credit than what...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In Judaism, and Judaism is about 4000 years old, acts of charity are mandatory every day. Abraham was breathing by that principle. Welcoming everyone in his tent, offering them food and lodging. He even put his tent on a route used by travelers, a high way of some sort, to greet as many people as possible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Every day it says we have to give charity in one way or another. It could be to smile to a person in need. But we need to make one charitable act, at least. Poor or not poor, rich or not rich. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Everyone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One act every day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It is said that the goal in life is to arrive as one person and to leave this world as another </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The meaning of life is to grow not for our own good but for the good of the whole</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8033382547898662906.post-80167263376550312182016-05-14T17:46:00.000-07:002016-05-14T18:05:38.629-07:00follow your heart and F**k the itinerary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Lately I'm simply amazed and so grateful by the fact that I'm alive and that I made it until now. I made it all crooked but I followed my heart and my true nature. Anyhow, I always preferred being taking advantage of than the contrary because I know,in the long run, the loser is not the one it seemed. Karma is a bitch. We can't open our heart without taking the risk of being hurt or being disappointed. Sometimes there's no other choice but to let go. Sadly. To love too much is egoistic. What we want is to be loved back. It is not an unconditional love. It is an unconditional love when we let go. Without anger nor hate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">What I need can you feel it baby, can you feel it baby. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I feel I've met all the men I could meet. All colours, religion, race, age, size or financial status. I've ride in bentley or took the metro with them. 25 years older or younger. Athletic, bodies of greek god or simply human. But I haven't find him yet. Or maybe I have and time will tell. I've been looking all my life for him. For my soulmate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Today, someone sent me a text message and it went right through me and touched my soul so hard, I had to stop walking and hold a gate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm loving my new job. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm loving my new place.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm loving my new neighbourhood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's a virgin life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Rebirth. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I started a one week challenge with Rabbi Laibl Wolf of Spiritgrow center. 15 minutes a day of mindful consciousness. Fantastic program. How to breath, 3 sec in, 3 sec hold, and 4 sec exhale to access increased relaxation. He said that the universe breath also. The sun orbiting around the milky way, the planets turning around the sun, the moon around, the earth, the waves with the moon, day and night etc. In and out. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He said to focus on all our senses and feel them all at the same time. The touch, the hearing, the seeing, the tasting and the smelling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm on day 3. I'll tell you more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Instagram is moving up. I'm at 209 to be exact. Twitter also and Soundcloud are moving but slower. I'm in no rush. I came to a point where MBRTRB is more a sort of expression outlet than a monetary avenue. It's a way for me to spread my vision and understanding of life. The way I see it through my mind. Adding my own experiences.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Opinion of the day:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To be photogenic is not an achievement. You're photogenic, good for you, but so what? What does it add to a person to be photogenic I don't get it. You look good in pictures, bravo but how do you look in your life...Are you a good person turned toward the others or are you interested in yourself only and you see the others simply as a mirror for your own reflection...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That is the question.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Beauty is a bonus not an end in itself</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I find it so ridiculous this narcissistic culture we're in. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm getting so annoyed with it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm slowly getting accustomed to my new environment, my new reality. All the changes are done. It is very weird. Life gave me what I needed, like it or not. I feel I've been teleported to a new dimension, a new level. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So I survived, I' a warrior, a soul warrior. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I made it, I made it so far. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I'm alive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Even the greatest of the sages can't surpass the ones who saw the light after falling into the dark</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Elevation of the soul</span><br />
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MBRTRBhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14399233366861855002noreply@blogger.com0