MBRTRB: Sound of silence

MBRTRB: Sound of silence: Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I h...

Sound of silence

Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I had to go through certain things for a certain period of time. It reminds me of this week Parsha in the Torah. It explains that Miriam had to be excluded from all 3 camps because she talked about Moishe but not in a rightful way and had been touched by leprosi in a way of spiritual sickness not physical. She had to go through healing by learning humility. It teaches us that we should think before speaking. We will be accountable for all our words. But also that a curse is a hidden blessing. It exists to help us better ourselves and to push us forward. I had to live those last 3 years to be where I am today. A better cleaner version of myself. Not all is done but I have succeeded. I can't wait to see what lies ahead. I am excited. It is another chapter with a foundation for the first time in my life. I am no more the tightrope walker over the void. I'm curious to see what I am able to do in that kind of environment much more vast than what I have known until now. Big without being a corporation. The public sector. The government. So strange. I never thought me the rebel that I would end at the government. Life is a journey we orbit around time, like the spiral of the DNA the infinitely little reflection in the immensity and vice versa. one within the other. Vibrating. The pulse of the world propelled by the will of God. We are God creature and each one of us has a mission to accomplish. Whatever happened to us the soul remains pure, untouched. Connection. I was never good at connecting. When I get stress I tell myself that it is G-d will and ultimately he decides. There is nothing to worry. Meanwhile I am at peace, enjoying the sound of silence. Enjoying the calm.Feeling blessed. Thinking I can do this. Jumping in the unknown.

Back to basics

The aim always have to be the center but sometimes due to different events we have to move to the right or to the left but always after we have to readjust ourselves to the middle.Never lose sight of the center. For that we need a strong foundation not a base that changes all the time. Consistency. The consistency has to be permanent. It is there no matter what. I re started the idea of MBRTRB meaning production. Im not sure yet but Im open. I"ll print RESPECT Respect is earned. First we have to respect ourselves, our integrity, our values. Cosncious that God put us on earth for a reason, our mission. Not to waste our lives. The complexity is that nobody knows what their mission is. We have to discover it alone. The base is to leave earth better after we are gone then before. Always a bit better. We have to transform the darkness in light. To reveal the light beneath the darkness. Im a patron of Vucjakshelter amazing dedication of this man in Serbia who takes care of dogs cats any animals that need help alone. It cost $5 per month US and I encourage evryone one to help him. He is on instagram :)  Slowly Im getting out of the shock of all that happened since 2 years. But we did it the girls and me. We went through it and we came out stronger and wiser and calm. Barush Hashem. Those 2 years were a learning lessons in life and humility and respect and dignity. There is certain behaviours that I wouldnt be able to have anymore.  It is just a fact. I just cant. I dont have to convince myself I shouldnt do it. Now it is part of me and there is nothing conscious about it. Just funny. For some reasons I always thought that a quiet life was a boring life. It is not true. Quiet but full and mindfull. Im in touch with the sound the feel the time and place of my life. Connected no more disconnected. No more cynical. I have a different perspective. An eye opener. Eyes wide opened. Remember the movie Eye wide shut by Kubrick. I saw a documentary on his assistant on Netflix so good. He was the actor in Barry Lindon and he left everything to work by the side of the genius Kubrick. Leon Vitali.The documentary is called the filmworker because that how he calls himself. I use to have a poster of Orange mecanique in my place...It was my natural killers period....Desenchanted. Now Im wondering what is ahead. Back to the beginning I use to say that once your eyes are opened you cant close them again, you cant turn back, past, present and future united and intertwined, Keep on pushing one step at the time. In order to discover we need to step out of our comfort zone and accept that we will have to jump into the unknown in order to reach our destination. Our spiritual destination. Remember that we are spiritual beings living a material experience. 

Unknown

If I let Sam go, as planned, I truly jump in the unknown. I always went back to him maybe because I knew him for more than 20 years. We had a historic, sort to speak. I know all about him. But I shouldn't have done it. Go with him. I fell for a stupid trick because I believed him. That he liked me. He appreciated me. But I was wrong. I don't think he appreciates anybody but himself. I don't know. It is impossible to put ourselves into somebody else shoes. I think I go back because I want to convince myself that it is right when it is so wrong. It was wrong since the beginning. Why did I let myself do it. I believed him. I took a chance and believe him. I think the best thing is to stay away from him. Like I say the best action is no action sometimes. No words. Just move on. Everything has been said and done anyway there is nothing to add. Time to let go and to jump in the unknown. M is gone too. 1 year and 9 months. I miss him from time to time. I guess it is normal we shared something. Something special. A certain understanding. But I have 2 daughters and it wasn't possible. As I use to say, in the absolute maybe but not on earth. I have very fond memories of him. His cat lives with us since his departure. She is a wild cat. Very independent and so beautiful. Silence. I started to listen to house music again. I started the gym. I'll train with the best trainer. Why not be in top shape. What Am I scared of... I was thinking of that too. That we can't be scared. Stop being scared. I use not to be scared of anything. But I am a mom now and it is different. I have the two most amazing daughters to take care of. Sometimes I think that I am autistic. I wonder. When I look at something I look at it on all angles. I look deeper. It is weird. Like a want to have the big picture. It is my curious spirit and mind. I was always curious. I give myself certain rights. I think I am above. I don't follow rules. I break them. In certain circumstances. But I get bored easily. At one point it is only repetition. I look at myself more closely. I control my actions more. I try to use my mind over my emotions. Mind first than emotion. Always. Instead of thinking I do what I want and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I prefer not to act. I am calm now. I am contempt. I see everybody go on trips like girouette metaphysique but I'm happy where I am. I am in love with my city. The place where I live. I think about that too, that God put me here in this country, province, city, neighborhood, in this time. I feel I need to do good and be nice and bring something positive in the world we live in. I started to pick up plastic bottles and I put them in the recycle when I see them on the street or else. It is my new thing. I was also thinking that we are in 2018. And in 2018, it is time for women to stand for their rights. Respect. And respect starts at home. On that note, lets say good bye. 

What is freedom

I was thinking that we live in a crazy times, we go from hyper realism to superficialism,if it is even a term, or fake realism however you want to call it. The artificial seems natural and truth sounds false. In the overdose of informations that lead us to dead ends or emptiness we have to surf our own waves and go against the stream and see with other own eyes, draw with our hands, feel with our own soul. The idea for me now is to reveal the hidden good, the one concealed and for doing that the ego has to retract to make place for the revelation. It is funny how people are not only lost in the reflection of themselves but the perfected false version of themselves. It is a form of self slavery. self enslavement. What is freedom? True freedom. In Les Racines du Ciel of Romain Gary my favorite author when I was a teenager, the hero is imprisoned during the second world war as a political prisoner with others from the Resistance and what saved them for depressions and despair is the thoughts of the elephant roaming free in the savannas of Africa. I always wanted to visit Africa since I read this book. He wrote about the stars in the African desert. It is maybe one of the first ecological book, anti-hunting. Freedom is a state of being. The true freedom of the mind cannot manifest itself within some sorts of limits. We can't grow without pressure. We can't be who truly are without overcoming adversity. Never give up. My great aunt Jouji who did the concentration camp told me that once. Never give up. L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. Now I tell myself that if I pick up one empty plastic bottle thrown on the street by someone who must think that it is gonna dissolve by itself and put in a recycling bin me being out was worth. It is a new dada of mine. Picking up plastic bottles. I myself surprise of the number I pick up every day. I wish I could start a movement. Because if everyone of us would do a little, the sums would be a enormous. I'm thinking it is a start. Every start has a beginning. Time is like a spiral that turns and go up. The whole thing made me wiser and calmer. I know I use this word calmer over and over again but it is still surprising for me to feel grounded, connected and calm. And not hooked on the stars, disconnected and wired. I think it is because I feel safe. To that I say L'Chaim, to life, to this new year, may It be sweet and good. 
Don't be scared, Hashem your G-d is in each of your steps. 

Reflecting on the year that passed and the New Year

My life is calm. Finally. And I feel calm. I never felt calm before. More like a lion in a cage. My brain like a ping pong match. I moved on. I like my job and the people I work with. I started doing some volunteering at the CHUM in oncology and I just love doing it. I wish I could go more often. I go whenever I have a day off. I cut M entirely and his mom. I'm back with Sam. It is what it is. I feel at home when I am with him. Let's see. Nothing compare to him. Its in G-d's hands, He decides. There is nothing I can do only accept. Overall I think the year was good. Sometimes I feel like I should fastened my seat belts. So for next year, I want to be better than I am now. I have a feeling that the worst is in the past until the next time. But for now, it is all good. I'm asking G-d a good and sweet year. In the concealed good and in the sweet. Because life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. Like my grand-father use to say: The only way to stay alive is to get old. Life exists in the movement not in the stillness. Without changes there can't be no life. I told him that I prefer him now than before. Now that he is older. I told him that he is the only one that I love. That my former relationship was an optic illusion. Une illusion d'optique. I go to get massage t a chinese place. It's a treatment. She's healing my body. I can feel the changes already. She is magical. My body needed it. Get rid of the stress that was accumulated. It's a total cure. I didn't go back to cigarettes. I'm walking the line. I'm controlling my emotions and thinking first with my head. I'm less emotional. But I'm still tensed. I have a difficulty to let go. And I'm in charge of my two daughters, alone. It is a big responsibility so I have to stay alert. 
I like where I live. It's all good. Barush Hashem 
Thanking G-d every morning every day, Mode Ani
I made it through the changes, the only way to overcome it is to go through it. New beginning, the eternal beginning, I arrive only to begin something else. Les voies de D-eu sont impénétrables. Stronger than ever, wiser than ever, calmer than ever, happier than ever. 
I am who I am. Taking responsibility, 
I think social media is so popular is because it offers other kind of information, good diifferent, free information, not only the bad news that we are use to see in more conformist avenues. And the fact that we can share our ideas for free in the web accessible to the entire world. Dream warriors, soul serachers, people of the world unite. We are all children of G-d. One love, One world, Peace, Shalom, Salam 

Silence

Someone wrote a comment a positive comment on one of my post and It made me want to write again after 9 months of silence, a gestation. 

I am changed. I'm calmer. I'm alone now since a year and one month. 13 months that hes gone. I miss him everyday but I know that it was the only issue. I will always care about him. I will never forget hi, Because of him I have changed. I rather be alone than to be with anybody. Because I know now how it feels to be at peace with someone. Like I say in the absolute it was the perfect relation but we don't live in the absolute we live in reality and in reality it didn't make sense. I learned with him. He taught me a lot. Emotional stability. I just loved being with him. My kids miss him. I think sometimes that it's the last taboo. An older woman with a younger man.But a man indeed. At the same time young still. I miss him. He was my companion. He was next to me. Now there's no one. Because If I replace him with someone that someone will be serious and marry me nothing else. If not I have my daughters to take cae off. Thats my priorities. To be there present at home is more important than anything else. But if I meet someone that make us stronger to be together it will be positive for my daughters as well. But I'm not going backward that's for sure. I rather be alone. The thing is when we are raised by bad parents it teaches us what not to do and not to replicate. It's in my head. Sometimes I know how my parents would have reacted to a situation because I see myself do the same and than I force myself to correct my reaction because I don not want to replicate that's also for sure. I'm a good mom because I don't transmit what I didnt like growing up, thanks to my mother Im a good mom. A better mom at least. But I know I'm a good mothet and thats more important than anything else it goes above everything and nothing passes before that. Rule number 1. Rule number 2 be present, be there, caring and nurturing. Supportive soft and strict but above all always on their side, I read in a book about challah by Rochie Pinson that you have to have always more sugar than salt, always more love than discipline. Positive reinforcement. To be there when they cry they need comfort, advices, directions or just to touch base. I feel blessed because I'm a mom, I feel blessed twice. Its the biggest happiness of my life to have the honor to be a mom. I realigned my life since hes gone. I am more established in our new place, in our new neighborhood and in my new job. The apartment looks very good. Its a very nice place. Much better than the last one. Smaller but much better. Its very well divided. You can see that someone put some thoughts of how to use the space in the most functional way.  
I have to work on making myself feeling secure and confident. Like the quote from Hillel: If Im not for myself who will be but If Im only for myself who am I and if not now when? Self love. Studying with my favorite rabbis. Watching their videos and reading books. Continuing my spiritual journey. That also helps me to walk the line not only help prevents me for not walking the line. G-d is my guide. I stopped smoking. I sleep early wake up early. I started running. . And I walk every day. I do my stretching and I buy more organic than before. Still I would like to meet someone. The right one this time for the good reasons. Time will tell
Thats about it. 
Shalom