MBRTRB: Sound of silence

MBRTRB: Sound of silence: Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I h...

Sound of silence

Yet another beginning. The foundation is done time to build the walls. I can breath, I was about to be out of breath. The sensation that I had to go through certain things for a certain period of time. It reminds me of this week Parsha in the Torah. It explains that Miriam had to be excluded from all 3 camps because she talked about Moishe but not in a rightful way and had been touched by leprosi in a way of spiritual sickness not physical. She had to go through healing by learning humility. It teaches us that we should think before speaking. We will be accountable for all our words. But also that a curse is a hidden blessing. It exists to help us better ourselves and to push us forward. I had to live those last 3 years to be where I am today. A better cleaner version of myself. Not all is done but I have succeeded. I can't wait to see what lies ahead. I am excited. It is another chapter with a foundation for the first time in my life. I am no more the tightrope walker over the void. I'm curious to see what I am able to do in that kind of environment much more vast than what I have known until now. Big without being a corporation. The public sector. The government. So strange. I never thought me the rebel that I would end at the government. Life is a journey we orbit around time, like the spiral of the DNA the infinitely little reflection in the immensity and vice versa. one within the other. Vibrating. The pulse of the world propelled by the will of God. We are God creature and each one of us has a mission to accomplish. Whatever happened to us the soul remains pure, untouched. Connection. I was never good at connecting. When I get stress I tell myself that it is G-d will and ultimately he decides. There is nothing to worry. Meanwhile I am at peace, enjoying the sound of silence. Enjoying the calm.Feeling blessed. Thinking I can do this. Jumping in the unknown.

Back to basics

The aim always have to be the center but sometimes due to different events we have to move to the right or to the left but always after we have to readjust ourselves to the middle.Never lose sight of the center. For that we need a strong foundation not a base that changes all the time. Consistency. The consistency has to be permanent. It is there no matter what. I re started the idea of MBRTRB meaning production. Im not sure yet but Im open. I"ll print RESPECT Respect is earned. First we have to respect ourselves, our integrity, our values. Cosncious that God put us on earth for a reason, our mission. Not to waste our lives. The complexity is that nobody knows what their mission is. We have to discover it alone. The base is to leave earth better after we are gone then before. Always a bit better. We have to transform the darkness in light. To reveal the light beneath the darkness. Im a patron of Vucjakshelter amazing dedication of this man in Serbia who takes care of dogs cats any animals that need help alone. It cost $5 per month US and I encourage evryone one to help him. He is on instagram :)  Slowly Im getting out of the shock of all that happened since 2 years. But we did it the girls and me. We went through it and we came out stronger and wiser and calm. Barush Hashem. Those 2 years were a learning lessons in life and humility and respect and dignity. There is certain behaviours that I wouldnt be able to have anymore.  It is just a fact. I just cant. I dont have to convince myself I shouldnt do it. Now it is part of me and there is nothing conscious about it. Just funny. For some reasons I always thought that a quiet life was a boring life. It is not true. Quiet but full and mindfull. Im in touch with the sound the feel the time and place of my life. Connected no more disconnected. No more cynical. I have a different perspective. An eye opener. Eyes wide opened. Remember the movie Eye wide shut by Kubrick. I saw a documentary on his assistant on Netflix so good. He was the actor in Barry Lindon and he left everything to work by the side of the genius Kubrick. Leon Vitali.The documentary is called the filmworker because that how he calls himself. I use to have a poster of Orange mecanique in my place...It was my natural killers period....Desenchanted. Now Im wondering what is ahead. Back to the beginning I use to say that once your eyes are opened you cant close them again, you cant turn back, past, present and future united and intertwined, Keep on pushing one step at the time. In order to discover we need to step out of our comfort zone and accept that we will have to jump into the unknown in order to reach our destination. Our spiritual destination. Remember that we are spiritual beings living a material experience. 

Unknown

If I let Sam go, as planned, I truly jump in the unknown. I always went back to him maybe because I knew him for more than 20 years. We had a historic, sort to speak. I know all about him. But I shouldn't have done it. Go with him. I fell for a stupid trick because I believed him. That he liked me. He appreciated me. But I was wrong. I don't think he appreciates anybody but himself. I don't know. It is impossible to put ourselves into somebody else shoes. I think I go back because I want to convince myself that it is right when it is so wrong. It was wrong since the beginning. Why did I let myself do it. I believed him. I took a chance and believe him. I think the best thing is to stay away from him. Like I say the best action is no action sometimes. No words. Just move on. Everything has been said and done anyway there is nothing to add. Time to let go and to jump in the unknown. M is gone too. 1 year and 9 months. I miss him from time to time. I guess it is normal we shared something. Something special. A certain understanding. But I have 2 daughters and it wasn't possible. As I use to say, in the absolute maybe but not on earth. I have very fond memories of him. His cat lives with us since his departure. She is a wild cat. Very independent and so beautiful. Silence. I started to listen to house music again. I started the gym. I'll train with the best trainer. Why not be in top shape. What Am I scared of... I was thinking of that too. That we can't be scared. Stop being scared. I use not to be scared of anything. But I am a mom now and it is different. I have the two most amazing daughters to take care of. Sometimes I think that I am autistic. I wonder. When I look at something I look at it on all angles. I look deeper. It is weird. Like a want to have the big picture. It is my curious spirit and mind. I was always curious. I give myself certain rights. I think I am above. I don't follow rules. I break them. In certain circumstances. But I get bored easily. At one point it is only repetition. I look at myself more closely. I control my actions more. I try to use my mind over my emotions. Mind first than emotion. Always. Instead of thinking I do what I want and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I prefer not to act. I am calm now. I am contempt. I see everybody go on trips like girouette metaphysique but I'm happy where I am. I am in love with my city. The place where I live. I think about that too, that God put me here in this country, province, city, neighborhood, in this time. I feel I need to do good and be nice and bring something positive in the world we live in. I started to pick up plastic bottles and I put them in the recycle when I see them on the street or else. It is my new thing. I was also thinking that we are in 2018. And in 2018, it is time for women to stand for their rights. Respect. And respect starts at home. On that note, lets say good bye. 

What is freedom

I was thinking that we live in a crazy times, we go from hyper realism to superficialism,if it is even a term, or fake realism however you want to call it. The artificial seems natural and truth sounds false. In the overdose of informations that lead us to dead ends or emptiness we have to surf our own waves and go against the stream and see with other own eyes, draw with our hands, feel with our own soul. The idea for me now is to reveal the hidden good, the one concealed and for doing that the ego has to retract to make place for the revelation. It is funny how people are not only lost in the reflection of themselves but the perfected false version of themselves. It is a form of self slavery. self enslavement. What is freedom? True freedom. In Les Racines du Ciel of Romain Gary my favorite author when I was a teenager, the hero is imprisoned during the second world war as a political prisoner with others from the Resistance and what saved them for depressions and despair is the thoughts of the elephant roaming free in the savannas of Africa. I always wanted to visit Africa since I read this book. He wrote about the stars in the African desert. It is maybe one of the first ecological book, anti-hunting. Freedom is a state of being. The true freedom of the mind cannot manifest itself within some sorts of limits. We can't grow without pressure. We can't be who truly are without overcoming adversity. Never give up. My great aunt Jouji who did the concentration camp told me that once. Never give up. L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. Now I tell myself that if I pick up one empty plastic bottle thrown on the street by someone who must think that it is gonna dissolve by itself and put in a recycling bin me being out was worth. It is a new dada of mine. Picking up plastic bottles. I myself surprise of the number I pick up every day. I wish I could start a movement. Because if everyone of us would do a little, the sums would be a enormous. I'm thinking it is a start. Every start has a beginning. Time is like a spiral that turns and go up. The whole thing made me wiser and calmer. I know I use this word calmer over and over again but it is still surprising for me to feel grounded, connected and calm. And not hooked on the stars, disconnected and wired. I think it is because I feel safe. To that I say L'Chaim, to life, to this new year, may It be sweet and good. 
Don't be scared, Hashem your G-d is in each of your steps. 

Reflecting on the year that passed and the New Year

My life is calm. Finally. And I feel calm. I never felt calm before. More like a lion in a cage. My brain like a ping pong match. I moved on. I like my job and the people I work with. I started doing some volunteering at the CHUM in oncology and I just love doing it. I wish I could go more often. I go whenever I have a day off. I cut M entirely and his mom. I'm back with Sam. It is what it is. I feel at home when I am with him. Let's see. Nothing compare to him. Its in G-d's hands, He decides. There is nothing I can do only accept. Overall I think the year was good. Sometimes I feel like I should fastened my seat belts. So for next year, I want to be better than I am now. I have a feeling that the worst is in the past until the next time. But for now, it is all good. I'm asking G-d a good and sweet year. In the concealed good and in the sweet. Because life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. Like my grand-father use to say: The only way to stay alive is to get old. Life exists in the movement not in the stillness. Without changes there can't be no life. I told him that I prefer him now than before. Now that he is older. I told him that he is the only one that I love. That my former relationship was an optic illusion. Une illusion d'optique. I go to get massage t a chinese place. It's a treatment. She's healing my body. I can feel the changes already. She is magical. My body needed it. Get rid of the stress that was accumulated. It's a total cure. I didn't go back to cigarettes. I'm walking the line. I'm controlling my emotions and thinking first with my head. I'm less emotional. But I'm still tensed. I have a difficulty to let go. And I'm in charge of my two daughters, alone. It is a big responsibility so I have to stay alert. 
I like where I live. It's all good. Barush Hashem 
Thanking G-d every morning every day, Mode Ani
I made it through the changes, the only way to overcome it is to go through it. New beginning, the eternal beginning, I arrive only to begin something else. Les voies de D-eu sont impénétrables. Stronger than ever, wiser than ever, calmer than ever, happier than ever. 
I am who I am. Taking responsibility, 
I think social media is so popular is because it offers other kind of information, good diifferent, free information, not only the bad news that we are use to see in more conformist avenues. And the fact that we can share our ideas for free in the web accessible to the entire world. Dream warriors, soul serachers, people of the world unite. We are all children of G-d. One love, One world, Peace, Shalom, Salam 

Silence

Someone wrote a comment a positive comment on one of my post and It made me want to write again after 9 months of silence, a gestation. 

I am changed. I'm calmer. I'm alone now since a year and one month. 13 months that hes gone. I miss him everyday but I know that it was the only issue. I will always care about him. I will never forget hi, Because of him I have changed. I rather be alone than to be with anybody. Because I know now how it feels to be at peace with someone. Like I say in the absolute it was the perfect relation but we don't live in the absolute we live in reality and in reality it didn't make sense. I learned with him. He taught me a lot. Emotional stability. I just loved being with him. My kids miss him. I think sometimes that it's the last taboo. An older woman with a younger man.But a man indeed. At the same time young still. I miss him. He was my companion. He was next to me. Now there's no one. Because If I replace him with someone that someone will be serious and marry me nothing else. If not I have my daughters to take cae off. Thats my priorities. To be there present at home is more important than anything else. But if I meet someone that make us stronger to be together it will be positive for my daughters as well. But I'm not going backward that's for sure. I rather be alone. The thing is when we are raised by bad parents it teaches us what not to do and not to replicate. It's in my head. Sometimes I know how my parents would have reacted to a situation because I see myself do the same and than I force myself to correct my reaction because I don not want to replicate that's also for sure. I'm a good mom because I don't transmit what I didnt like growing up, thanks to my mother Im a good mom. A better mom at least. But I know I'm a good mothet and thats more important than anything else it goes above everything and nothing passes before that. Rule number 1. Rule number 2 be present, be there, caring and nurturing. Supportive soft and strict but above all always on their side, I read in a book about challah by Rochie Pinson that you have to have always more sugar than salt, always more love than discipline. Positive reinforcement. To be there when they cry they need comfort, advices, directions or just to touch base. I feel blessed because I'm a mom, I feel blessed twice. Its the biggest happiness of my life to have the honor to be a mom. I realigned my life since hes gone. I am more established in our new place, in our new neighborhood and in my new job. The apartment looks very good. Its a very nice place. Much better than the last one. Smaller but much better. Its very well divided. You can see that someone put some thoughts of how to use the space in the most functional way.  
I have to work on making myself feeling secure and confident. Like the quote from Hillel: If Im not for myself who will be but If Im only for myself who am I and if not now when? Self love. Studying with my favorite rabbis. Watching their videos and reading books. Continuing my spiritual journey. That also helps me to walk the line not only help prevents me for not walking the line. G-d is my guide. I stopped smoking. I sleep early wake up early. I started running. . And I walk every day. I do my stretching and I buy more organic than before. Still I would like to meet someone. The right one this time for the good reasons. Time will tell
Thats about it. 
Shalom

New commitment

I use to think that I was getting somewhere or more precisely that I was getting there, whatever what that where was. Now I think I'm already there just trying to be better everyday. There's nowhere else to be than now. What matters is how you act, how you talk, how you think today. Conscious of the transcendent presence of the present.

In this period of time, we are counting the Omer during 49th days. we are at 25th day. Each week is a reflection of the 7 sephirot in relation with each other. First weeks was about the 3 primary "internal emotions":  Chesed: love , Gevurah: discipline and their synthesis in the middle, Tiferet or harmony.
The weeks we are in now are in relation to the outer emotions also divided in three: Netzah which is confidence and perseverance, Hod: humility and devotion and the unifying agent: relationship and intimacy. 
Today is day 25 so its Netzah of Netzah: endurance in compassion. Do I have endurance within my commitment? And the proposed exercise for the day by Rabbi Jacobson: Commit yourself in developing a new good habit.

"Learn to speak properly, but also learn to listen, and listen deeply. The greatest gift we can give another is to listen to them and allow them to be".
From the Garden of Paradox, Dovber Pinson.
  
That's my aim to be a good listener, to take out my self and my own ego off the conversation and to be there for the person sharing his/her thoughts with me. Also, I decided to delete all the bad words of my speech. It is like spitting toxic out of my mouth. 
Nowadays, somehow just saying F...in a sentence makes anything automatically cool...for some reason.  
It says a lot of the state of the world we live in today.

That's my new commitment: good listener and good speaker

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Belief

In the beginning of the MBRTRB project, I thought of creating a line of streetwear dedicated to good vibes, dance, djs and house music. I wanted to take the t-shirt as a canvas to send positive messages into this world on walking bilboard sort to speak. Then it moved to a creative outlet on instagram mainly but also Twitter, Facebook and Soundcloud. I had a value dilemna. Why put another t-shirt line on the market, did the world really needed another clothing line when I knew all the waste from fast fashion and fashion itself. The idea now is to take recycled t-shirt or t-shirt coming from a social cause like the ones from Project Pieta, projectpieta.com . The t-shirts have to carry something as well, not just be eco-conscious but also social conscious. The vessel and the source have to be in harmony. One nourishing the other.

In kabbalah, it is understood that everything has a vessel and an essence. The words and their meaning, our body and our soul, our eyes and our view, the sun and the light etc. My t-shirts and the messages. 

Also I want to add new messages. More in tune with where I am now. 

I started to buy almost only vintage clothes. It started as an obligation due to budget restrictions but it moved now to a new habit and challenge. I always loved mixing anyway. I"m a mix myself , part Slovaque, part Palestinian, par French canadian, par Scottish, Jewsih.

I always believed in inclusion and not exclusion.

3 months since my love was deported. Missing him everyday.

The definition of self is fluid

Alcohol was never an issue for me. I never liked to drink. I must have been the only coke head who didn't drink. I had water. Never liked the feeling of being drunk, the losing control part. On coke I was under control apart from being controlled by the coke itself. I loved being stoned. All of it. The buying, the making the lines, the sniffing, the going out. Everything. I wanted to feel like I had been smashed by a train That was the extent of my addiction. Prior to my years on coke I spent 4 years being stoned on LSD. I stopped everything without help cold turkey at 30 years old. So I claimed. One day it was there and the following day it was gone. Or almost gone. Once in a while I would indulge myself again. Until my first daughter was 2 and half years old. Then it was mainly gone for good. But always there still, undercover, in the back. Then when I left my husband it came back. Not as much, not as strong, but coke made its entry again maybe twice a year and weed. I never was a smoker but it replaced the coke. It made its way in my life every day. At one point from morning to night. Someone asked me when I started smoking pot I answered when I stopped taking coke. I was rationalizing my smoking. I don't take anti-

depressant, it is my prozac but natural. It is a plant after all and they're thinking of legalizing it anyway. It was also part of the ritual I had with my love. We use to smoke together. It was something we shared. Smoking. With his departure I stopped. It's been 3 months. And I'm not planning to go back. I don't want to take anything that alters my mind even non addictive. But it's a fight. I have in the back of my head. Only once what could be bad...You can do it this time and then stop for a few months again. I have to tell myself.Whenever I feel tempted what is it gonna bring you, what is it gonna add to your day. You gonna be stoned so what. Breath in breath out. I can't go back if I truly want to move forward it can't be part of my life anymore. It has to be a thing of the past. 
I want to live my life without any artificial substance. I want to face it with a clear head with all my senses intact. 
Today I went to a NA meeting with a friend. I took a 3 month chip. people came to me saying that I was an inspiration and that they saw some good things in the future for me. I was always shy to sharre thinking it was a personal thing. Between me and me. But it made me realize that it is selfish not to share. If I can be an inspiration for someone to help him out of this terrible situation that is addiction. I have to get out of myself and share. I remember going to meetings the first time with my friend. Stoned on weed. Thinking it wasn"t for me. I stopped without meetings. Until I came to the conclusion that I was still an addict to the point now of picking up a chip. 
I've come a long way baby.
The definition of self is fluid

Physical and spiritual cleaning

When I was a child my dad use to call me Miss Contrary and I think that title still suits me. All my life I've been going against the stream. It's in my nature. I've been surfin on my own waves, on my own mind. I remember as a teenager, I wanted to deconstruct myself to reconstruct it the way I wanted to be. It was a conscious will. My mom left the house.  When I was 15 years old. Really left. To live her life. She said it was either that or madness. Without a mom and having no relationship with my dad, apart from our fights and his screams, I had no attachments. I could create a new self. Or begin my way of creating a new self. I use to think that I was raised by 2 mentally unstable and dysfunctional parents. We were neglected privileged kids. My rebellion started at 17 years old, but my true downfall began when I left my boyfriend after 6 years together at 23 years old. I knew if i left him, i would fall down the rabbit hole with no one to catch me. I knew also that the fall was necessary, essential. I had to go to the end of it. And to the end I went. I knew I was speeding toward a brick wall but I didn't care. I was going to crash, eyes wide open. The only thing that was keeping me alive was my desire to have a child, a girl. My dream child like a friend was calling her before she was even conceived. Once I fainted on the dance floor of a club so stoned by all the drugs I had taken. When I woke up the friend with who I was told me that he thought i was dead. I answered how can I be dead I didn't have my child yet. I was going to have a child and it will be a girl. Today I have 2 daughters. To be a mother was the only thing that kept me alive during those years. Everything else was a slow conscious suicide, a conscious self destruction. I felt like a stranger on a strange land. Disconnected. No relation with the humans around me. I was thinking: we're not from the same species, we don't talk the same language. We can't communicate. I liked to be on drugs, accrochée aux étoiles, flying in space, no desire to be on the ground.  I claimed I was a black hole, no limits. Completely stable, no bad trips. Without law, without morality. I was so arrogant. G-d was my only confident. It was him that I was meeting on the dance floor. My sole companion. Detached. You can touch my body but you won't have my soul. 
This year, 25 years later, I learned to be humble. For a while, I felt as though I was doing time. Maybe it's all the documentary I watched on prisoners and prisons. When you do time, you're forced to be patient, you need to work on certain areas in your life in order to move out from the place you're in. Furthermore, there's certain things you can't do because if you do them, you go back in time, moving backward instead of forward. I finished my time and I have changed. Instead of looking for people that holds me back I'm looking for people that will take me higher. I began a conversation with a disciple of one of the rabbi I'm following and we became friend. I'm still watching my favorite rabbis' videos. They helped me go through all the changes I had to deal with last year. Without them I wouldn't have been able to make it. They were and they are my guides. Their teachings are at the core of my evolution. They gave me and they give me comfort and soothing at the times I needed it the most and at all times. Whenever I feel my level of stress is to high I put on a video. I use to listen to deep house almost 7 days a week all day long. I hardly listen to music anymore and If I do I put hebrew music or kabbalistic music. The idea is to lower the level of tension to the maximum. I need peace and quietness. I seek for silence when I couldn't bare silence before. 
Cleaning cleaning cleaning. Physical cleaning and spiritual cleaning. We are right before Pessah. Which is about cleaning our soul and getting rid of the ego. I want to enter Pessah this year, with a clean soul and clean mind and a clean body. 

The creation of the new or how to let go of the old

that is his tshirt ≤3

A lot have happened lately. Yet again, not only another beginning but a true new beginning
My love have been deported to his country. It was a shock. Although I've been praying for him to go back. His situation was in a dead end. There is no future for an illegal immigrant. Lots of worries. I was praying for him to leave because that was the only way to end this relationship that didn't make sense for any of us. Even if we loved or love each other. I have a tendency to live in the absolute. It is not always good. Life is here on earth and the earth has material demands that the absolute only can"t fulfill. So now that he is gone, I sleep early, wake up early, go to work, take care of my children. I never thought teenagers needed their mom so much. How did I do it without a mom by my side. (I didn't do very well...It was total chaos.)
I stopped everything cigarettes, weed. I don't drink, i eat healthy, I have a small routine exercise that I do every morning. I live a good and simple life. I look rested. For some people it is easy to walk the line, for me, it is always a fight. I have to force myself to be disciplined, to stay on the right track. Every day it takes discipline and effort. But one day It will become second nature. First we have to refrain, second engage into new positive habits. I apply for volunteering. Set up a charity box in my house. 
For once in my life, I live according to my means. Which is enormous. Funny how I make a third of what I use to make and I don't borrow money anymore. I cut everywhere the unnecessary. I buy my clothes in thrift store which is the future. I'm thinking of a way to do the same with MBRTRB. 
The members are going up on instagram and I haven't given up on it just yet. Eventually the way will appear to me.

The idea is to see ourselves as a perfect human being. Which we are. Our soul is. Perfect. Better to aim at a perfect self than at an imperfect being. Better aim high than low. Instead of thinking I'm not good or I cant do this or be that etc., repeating and conveying what we heard people say about us, parents, teachers, family, peers, whoever, we have to think outside of that exterior knowledge of who we are. We have to get rid of the image of how we view ourselves and begin to construct a new self free of those external judgments. Why not change angle? Get out of our comfort zone and redefine ourselves.
Instead of saying I'm a disaster when it comes to finance, think I always manage my budget. Dare to think outside of our own definition of who we are. That is, if you want to move forward. It is strange how we become attached to the way we are, stuck in the status quo. Often we have to be forced to change. Because change doesn't come easy. It is a painful and scary state. There is this unsettling moment where we find ourselves in a no man's land, leaving the shore but not yet at our destination, facing the unknown, leaving the security of what we knew until then. Reassessing our needs and our wants and readjusting our trajectory to something different from what we were accustomed until then. Not denying the past but creating a new definition of who we are. 

 "Following the light of the sun, we left the old world". Christopher Columbus. 

The term G-d is not used in Kabbalah, but Eternal Light. So that's what I did, forced out of my old world: my job, my apartment and lastly with the departure of my love, I followed the Light and asked for His guidance on this new journey. And Blessed be he, I made it thanks to Him. 

That's all I can say: B'H' I made it, I made it. I made it through the other side and the transformation is almost complete. I can clearly claim I'm not the same. I have changed for the better. I am a new woman. 

Breaks and Pause and Balance and Reaassement

Life is made of pause and movement. Of shadow and light. I've been in the shadow for a while. Had to pause myself. Reassessment. I was also stuck. Voluntarily stuck. I guess I didn't want to rush anything. I wanted to take it slowly. I thought it will unfold by itself. I guess putting my faith in the hands of God. Asking him for an answer. Waiting patiently. I will see it when times comes. I always thought from a very long time, always, that things happens this way because that's how they were meant to happen because exactly they happened that way. Each moment has a lesson. Each person we meet whoever they are, taxi driver, cashier, coworkers, people on the street, has something to teach us. Life is a learning journey. From this moment to this moment, from now to now, one step at the time. I use to be in rush. Explosive, wild, without laws but my own. I'm different now. Last year taught me modesty and discretion and humility. I stopped biting my nails which is a never seen before. And I'm thinking why not me? Why do I think it can't be for me...why not? What stopping me, the risk of failure, so what. We create our own limitations. We are so much in it that we don't see it anymore. It becomes part of our personality and ultimately our life. So all that to say going back to MBRTRB with a new collaborator, a young woman who studied in communication in France. She will help me with marketing. 
Before I use to think if I stop believing in it who will...and I think I stopped for a while believing in the infinite possibility of life
Be my own sunshine
Until next time, keep it real
Peace and love always

Gratitude

At the beginning of Exodus, Myriam is sent, by jer motherm to watch over her brother Moshes who was in a basket in the water. Acknowledging gratitude. The difficulty is to be grateful for what we have. I'm in a hard school right now. I work with a very special person, mentally special. OCB. Or border line autistic. Whatever it is he's special. And I don't know how to remain calm when he starts. Whenever he is stress and it happens quite often. Especially when I'm tired. He's overwhelming. And we work in a small place. And tightly together. He never let go. He comments on everything. Like we say in French, il exagère. He goes over board. Today, I couldn't believe what he was saying. At the same time he has a big heart. I know that. But he complicates everything. I need to find a way to deal with him. Not to let him get to me. Not let it affects me. I am stronger then that. I'm better than that.
We are messengers. Our whole being is a gift. Soul and breathing are intrinsically connected. We have to share what we have. We live in a very narcissistic and egoistic world. So often people forgets to share. The soul needs as the body needs exercice, exercice as well. Real success in life begins when we are standing on something right. By allowing people to be different they become one. Harmony within diversity. I'm a channel to bring the light into the world. Interface to something greater. 
When I was a child I was wondering about the feeling of happiness I got when I did a good gesture. I was asking myself: was that feeling making the gesture selfish. It isn't selfish. In contrary. It is the instantaneous effect of that gesture. Give and receive almost instantaneously. 
 To be thankful for what we have, to express gratitude to something greater than us. First step of a meaningful life. 
Lessons learned from Rabbi Simon Jacobson

Better late than never or in order to give we have to be able to receive or me first or time to grow up

I came to a realization that I never thought me first. I always put other first. I never stood for myself. I thought I was. Raising my girls, it strikes me how we learn from imitation. We transmit what we learned from our education good or bad beause that's what we know. We can't reproduce something we don't know. If I'm in this type of relationship it is because that's what I saw growing up as a teenager. Of Hillel famous quote:

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? 

If I am not for others, what am I? 

And if not now, when?” 

I only took the second part, not the first. I understand now that without the first part you can never truly be for others. I now have to learn to receive. It is not as simple as it seems. Me first like a mantra. I heard that recommandation from 2 sources lately. Like in stereo. I al;ways put myself at the convenience of others. What was suitable for them was suitable for me. On the other hand like Hillel states I cannot be only for my own ego. But Me comes first nonetheless in a flowing and harmonious movement. Me first because they will survive. 

'"We can never receive something new and bigger, 

unless we let go of something else first! 

It’s the law of the universe; we need to make space for the new. "

Yael Yardeni

I have to let go of my comfort zone and jump into Me, what I truly want, what I truly desire and not settle for nothing else. And I won't try to rationalize it in my mind.Time to grow up.
And most of all what we did or do what happened to us don't define who we are. Who we are is perfect. We can at all time come back to our true self because it has always been there.
Shalom 
Peace and love always

Movement

In judaism, time is viewed as a spiral. Going forward, backward but always upward, like the DNA. Time began with the creation of the world. And with time, History. And with time, movement. I remembeùr thinking as a teanager that I wanted to deconstruct or depart from all the acquired conditions of my education to create my own self. I wanted to believe that could be done. I'm a product of my education but I also evolved from it. I'm grateful for certain things, actually I should say that I'm grateful for everything because that made me who I am today, it permitted what I became. We can't escape from your past but we can get out our comfort zone leave the shore and fly. Some people get stuck in their pettiness littleness, misery and stay in it because it is safe to remain in what they know. They're not courageous enough to take the leap of faith have trust and get out. The door is just there it might even be opened even though they look through but they don't move. Status quo. I think there is nothing worse but to be in a status quo. Not living just existing. Alive but still dead. Like the line on the screen when the heart stops to beat. No movement no exiatence. 
I heard a rabbi say that we shouldn't be asking for an easy life but for a meaningful life. An easy life is not the key. The key is the meaning of our life. It's purpose. I looked for purpose all my life. Why was I on earth...I wanted to be a mother for that reason, to give meaning. If nothing else, to be a mother was the ultimate purpose for me. 

To create desire, a dream. The desire is born out of need,of manque...We only desire what we don't have, what we have we love. 

Unity in diversity.

Ground zero

When I was a teenager I use to think that i'd rather live in an apartmwent with love than a house without love. It never occured to me that could live in a house with love. I thought money was the source of the problem. Bourgeoisie. I sang les Bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient bête les bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient vieux plus ça devient cons. Je crois que c'était des idées à ma mère qui vivait sa période hippie et Peace and love with her lover. Recently my father said that we were raised by fucked up parents and I agree to that.  But the past is by definition passed and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. For many years I was a victim of my past. I realized at one point that the only person who was getting hurt by my auto destruction was me. I don't think that I'm totally cured. But I'm getting there. Last year gave me no choice let's see what's this year has in mind. Making a commitment to be a person in action in thoughts and in words. Wiser. More humble. More in tune with my soul. 

Back to reality

In judaism, new year is arriving on the 3rd of October this year. I pray for it to be a sweet year or at least a sweeter year. But I feel optimistic which was hard for a while. There's a good vibe. I heard recently from a rabbi that what happens to you us don't define us. We are not our business card. We are spiritual beings living a material experience. Not the reverse. For the first time in my life I work hard for my money. It's boot camp. Most probably I needed it. I finally adjusted to my new place don't miss my old place at all anymore. My apartment is coming together also. More and more put together sort to speak. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. Regaining. I love the people with who I work. Every human has a divine soul. Each and everyone of us. I follow my heart as always I keep the spirit as always I kick my ass and I get going as always I only pray that this year will be better than last year but already it feels better. 5676 was a learning year for me. But I know it made me a better person. The only way to grow is to get out of our comfort zone but we can only do that, most of the time when we are force out. My values changed and I know now that, if I needed a proof, that money doesnt buy happiness. It made me humble and grateful. 
It striked me the other day when I gave soft foods to my cats after giving them hard food for 2 weeks how they all thanked me before eating. The same we are asked to thank the one who is giving us substenance before meals. 
i'm ready to get higher or deeper. Moving forward. 
MBRTRB is growing steadily except on FB which I don't truly care. I have to put it on Snapchat. Next step. 

The light sends us what we need

It's been almost 5 months since the last day of my contract. I'm slowly adapting myself to the new situation and although I'm still in a financial mess, I'm learning a lot I like my new job. I got into the rythme of having a strict schedule, an apron to wear, my coworkers and my boss. It's fine. It's quite physical but I don't mind. I'm in good shape. I'm watching lots of videos on youtube people who were sent to prison for whatever and how the came out of it. It is quite interesting and ones about people who escaped from Prison. I'm glad someone thought of giving them a voice. 2 visions in a way. I'm thinking I"m in a sort of the same position where I'm in a position I didn't choose but I have to deal with. It's all in the attitude. How we take it. What we do of it. Do we learn or not. No rush. I learned to be patient. Life has it's own rythme. And at the same time create a movement. Because we can't be static. Stay in one place forever. If not physically mentally at least.There's all sort of ways to travel. I know as a fact that travelling is overrated. Of course when you live it it's nice but it doesn't give much afterward only the memories and the pictures. Some of the most open minded people have never travelled I'm sure. One has nothing to do with the other. Travelling is an egoistic pleasure.Some of the most depressed too. I'm thinking one day at the time. From now to now. From here to there. One step at the time. Thinking I shouldn't be scare because the light is in every of my step.

Long time no see

I've havent written for a very long time. I've been installing myself into my new life. Adjusting to a new neighborhood and a new job. It's very different from before and i realize now, how much of a princess I was, event though, I thought of myself ortherwise. I think I'm now to the post doctorat in humility. St-Henri is very different from Westmount. It's dirty and very mix socially. The Third World is closer then you think, but it's very diverse and I always loved diversity. We are all children of God. We all come from the same ancestors. We are all human. Rich and poor, black or white, gay or heterosexual. There is a divine spark in all of us. So I go for the good in people. As much as I can. Although, sometimes it is better to just stay away. I love the employees and my new boss. All the guys are gays which is refreshing, not as tight as it was at my old job. I like the girls too. One older and jewish one younger and black. Everybody has something special and unique. I never worked with that type of employees before. And I work with beautiful products and a sophisticated clientele. Everybody is quite stylish. It reminds me of Cartier. I loved working at Cartier. I loved everything about it. But my new job comes close to it. It is not as high end and i don't sell diamonds but the buyers are in the same vibe sort to speak. Money wise it is a disaster. But a lesson nonetheless. I'm more conscious of the way I was spending before, thinking that It was essential when actually it is not at all, so I cut in things I never thought before I would or I could cut. I buy in second hands store and I'm perfectly dressed and in Saint-Henri I am not as much tempted. And he is back. Which feels very good. I had to come to the conclusion that I love him and he loves me and that I have to deal with it. It is a fact. He is the love of my life. I don't feel the age difference anymore. He teaches me things I didn't know. He teaches me trust. He makes me see life from an another perspective. I feel I want to build with him. Let's see where this story goes. From here to here from now to now. No stress. I surf on the flow.
Regarding MBRTRB, waiting to have some funds available to produce the respect t-shirts in red and pink. 
Found the right guy to print them. lives very close to me.
Still going forward, still kicking ass