The creation of the new or how to let go of the old

that is his tshirt ≤3

A lot have happened lately. Yet again, not only another beginning but a true new beginning
My love have been deported to his country. It was a shock. Although I've been praying for him to go back. His situation was in a dead end. There is no future for an illegal immigrant. Lots of worries. I was praying for him to leave because that was the only way to end this relationship that didn't make sense for any of us. Even if we loved or love each other. I have a tendency to live in the absolute. It is not always good. Life is here on earth and the earth has material demands that the absolute only can"t fulfill. So now that he is gone, I sleep early, wake up early, go to work, take care of my children. I never thought teenagers needed their mom so much. How did I do it without a mom by my side. (I didn't do very well...It was total chaos.)
I stopped everything cigarettes, weed. I don't drink, i eat healthy, I have a small routine exercise that I do every morning. I live a good and simple life. I look rested. For some people it is easy to walk the line, for me, it is always a fight. I have to force myself to be disciplined, to stay on the right track. Every day it takes discipline and effort. But one day It will become second nature. First we have to refrain, second engage into new positive habits. I apply for volunteering. Set up a charity box in my house. 
For once in my life, I live according to my means. Which is enormous. Funny how I make a third of what I use to make and I don't borrow money anymore. I cut everywhere the unnecessary. I buy my clothes in thrift store which is the future. I'm thinking of a way to do the same with MBRTRB. 
The members are going up on instagram and I haven't given up on it just yet. Eventually the way will appear to me.

The idea is to see ourselves as a perfect human being. Which we are. Our soul is. Perfect. Better to aim at a perfect self than at an imperfect being. Better aim high than low. Instead of thinking I'm not good or I cant do this or be that etc., repeating and conveying what we heard people say about us, parents, teachers, family, peers, whoever, we have to think outside of that exterior knowledge of who we are. We have to get rid of the image of how we view ourselves and begin to construct a new self free of those external judgments. Why not change angle? Get out of our comfort zone and redefine ourselves.
Instead of saying I'm a disaster when it comes to finance, think I always manage my budget. Dare to think outside of our own definition of who we are. That is, if you want to move forward. It is strange how we become attached to the way we are, stuck in the status quo. Often we have to be forced to change. Because change doesn't come easy. It is a painful and scary state. There is this unsettling moment where we find ourselves in a no man's land, leaving the shore but not yet at our destination, facing the unknown, leaving the security of what we knew until then. Reassessing our needs and our wants and readjusting our trajectory to something different from what we were accustomed until then. Not denying the past but creating a new definition of who we are. 

 "Following the light of the sun, we left the old world". Christopher Columbus. 

The term G-d is not used in Kabbalah, but Eternal Light. So that's what I did, forced out of my old world: my job, my apartment and lastly with the departure of my love, I followed the Light and asked for His guidance on this new journey. And Blessed be he, I made it thanks to Him. 

That's all I can say: B'H' I made it, I made it. I made it through the other side and the transformation is almost complete. I can clearly claim I'm not the same. I have changed for the better. I am a new woman. 

Breaks and Pause and Balance and Reaassement

Life is made of pause and movement. Of shadow and light. I've been in the shadow for a while. Had to pause myself. Reassessment. I was also stuck. Voluntarily stuck. I guess I didn't want to rush anything. I wanted to take it slowly. I thought it will unfold by itself. I guess putting my faith in the hands of God. Asking him for an answer. Waiting patiently. I will see it when times comes. I always thought from a very long time, always, that things happens this way because that's how they were meant to happen because exactly they happened that way. Each moment has a lesson. Each person we meet whoever they are, taxi driver, cashier, coworkers, people on the street, has something to teach us. Life is a learning journey. From this moment to this moment, from now to now, one step at the time. I use to be in rush. Explosive, wild, without laws but my own. I'm different now. Last year taught me modesty and discretion and humility. I stopped biting my nails which is a never seen before. And I'm thinking why not me? Why do I think it can't be for me...why not? What stopping me, the risk of failure, so what. We create our own limitations. We are so much in it that we don't see it anymore. It becomes part of our personality and ultimately our life. So all that to say going back to MBRTRB with a new collaborator, a young woman who studied in communication in France. She will help me with marketing. 
Before I use to think if I stop believing in it who will...and I think I stopped for a while believing in the infinite possibility of life
Be my own sunshine
Until next time, keep it real
Peace and love always

Gratitude

At the beginning of Exodus, Myriam is sent, by jer motherm to watch over her brother Moshes who was in a basket in the water. Acknowledging gratitude. The difficulty is to be grateful for what we have. I'm in a hard school right now. I work with a very special person, mentally special. OCB. Or border line autistic. Whatever it is he's special. And I don't know how to remain calm when he starts. Whenever he is stress and it happens quite often. Especially when I'm tired. He's overwhelming. And we work in a small place. And tightly together. He never let go. He comments on everything. Like we say in French, il exagère. He goes over board. Today, I couldn't believe what he was saying. At the same time he has a big heart. I know that. But he complicates everything. I need to find a way to deal with him. Not to let him get to me. Not let it affects me. I am stronger then that. I'm better than that.
We are messengers. Our whole being is a gift. Soul and breathing are intrinsically connected. We have to share what we have. We live in a very narcissistic and egoistic world. So often people forgets to share. The soul needs as the body needs exercice, exercice as well. Real success in life begins when we are standing on something right. By allowing people to be different they become one. Harmony within diversity. I'm a channel to bring the light into the world. Interface to something greater. 
When I was a child I was wondering about the feeling of happiness I got when I did a good gesture. I was asking myself: was that feeling making the gesture selfish. It isn't selfish. In contrary. It is the instantaneous effect of that gesture. Give and receive almost instantaneously. 
 To be thankful for what we have, to express gratitude to something greater than us. First step of a meaningful life. 
Lessons learned from Rabbi Simon Jacobson

Better late than never or in order to give we have to be able to receive or me first or time to grow up

I came to a realization that I never thought me first. I always put other first. I never stood for myself. I thought I was. Raising my girls, it strikes me how we learn from imitation. We transmit what we learned from our education good or bad beause that's what we know. We can't reproduce something we don't know. If I'm in this type of relationship it is because that's what I saw growing up as a teenager. Of Hillel famous quote:

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? 

If I am not for others, what am I? 

And if not now, when?” 

I only took the second part, not the first. I understand now that without the first part you can never truly be for others. I now have to learn to receive. It is not as simple as it seems. Me first like a mantra. I heard that recommandation from 2 sources lately. Like in stereo. I al;ways put myself at the convenience of others. What was suitable for them was suitable for me. On the other hand like Hillel states I cannot be only for my own ego. But Me comes first nonetheless in a flowing and harmonious movement. Me first because they will survive. 

'"We can never receive something new and bigger, 

unless we let go of something else first! 

It’s the law of the universe; we need to make space for the new. "

Yael Yardeni

I have to let go of my comfort zone and jump into Me, what I truly want, what I truly desire and not settle for nothing else. And I won't try to rationalize it in my mind.Time to grow up.
And most of all what we did or do what happened to us don't define who we are. Who we are is perfect. We can at all time come back to our true self because it has always been there.
Shalom 
Peace and love always

Movement

In judaism, time is viewed as a spiral. Going forward, backward but always upward, like the DNA. Time began with the creation of the world. And with time, History. And with time, movement. I remembeùr thinking as a teanager that I wanted to deconstruct or depart from all the acquired conditions of my education to create my own self. I wanted to believe that could be done. I'm a product of my education but I also evolved from it. I'm grateful for certain things, actually I should say that I'm grateful for everything because that made me who I am today, it permitted what I became. We can't escape from your past but we can get out our comfort zone leave the shore and fly. Some people get stuck in their pettiness littleness, misery and stay in it because it is safe to remain in what they know. They're not courageous enough to take the leap of faith have trust and get out. The door is just there it might even be opened even though they look through but they don't move. Status quo. I think there is nothing worse but to be in a status quo. Not living just existing. Alive but still dead. Like the line on the screen when the heart stops to beat. No movement no exiatence. 
I heard a rabbi say that we shouldn't be asking for an easy life but for a meaningful life. An easy life is not the key. The key is the meaning of our life. It's purpose. I looked for purpose all my life. Why was I on earth...I wanted to be a mother for that reason, to give meaning. If nothing else, to be a mother was the ultimate purpose for me. 

To create desire, a dream. The desire is born out of need,of manque...We only desire what we don't have, what we have we love. 

Unity in diversity.

Ground zero

When I was a teenager I use to think that i'd rather live in an apartmwent with love than a house without love. It never occured to me that could live in a house with love. I thought money was the source of the problem. Bourgeoisie. I sang les Bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient bête les bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient vieux plus ça devient cons. Je crois que c'était des idées à ma mère qui vivait sa période hippie et Peace and love with her lover. Recently my father said that we were raised by fucked up parents and I agree to that.  But the past is by definition passed and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. For many years I was a victim of my past. I realized at one point that the only person who was getting hurt by my auto destruction was me. I don't think that I'm totally cured. But I'm getting there. Last year gave me no choice let's see what's this year has in mind. Making a commitment to be a person in action in thoughts and in words. Wiser. More humble. More in tune with my soul. 

Back to reality

In judaism, new year is arriving on the 3rd of October this year. I pray for it to be a sweet year or at least a sweeter year. But I feel optimistic which was hard for a while. There's a good vibe. I heard recently from a rabbi that what happens to you us don't define us. We are not our business card. We are spiritual beings living a material experience. Not the reverse. For the first time in my life I work hard for my money. It's boot camp. Most probably I needed it. I finally adjusted to my new place don't miss my old place at all anymore. My apartment is coming together also. More and more put together sort to speak. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. Regaining. I love the people with who I work. Every human has a divine soul. Each and everyone of us. I follow my heart as always I keep the spirit as always I kick my ass and I get going as always I only pray that this year will be better than last year but already it feels better. 5676 was a learning year for me. But I know it made me a better person. The only way to grow is to get out of our comfort zone but we can only do that, most of the time when we are force out. My values changed and I know now that, if I needed a proof, that money doesnt buy happiness. It made me humble and grateful. 
It striked me the other day when I gave soft foods to my cats after giving them hard food for 2 weeks how they all thanked me before eating. The same we are asked to thank the one who is giving us substenance before meals. 
i'm ready to get higher or deeper. Moving forward. 
MBRTRB is growing steadily except on FB which I don't truly care. I have to put it on Snapchat. Next step.