Lesson in humility step 4 and Just for today

I've started my new job as a sale person. I can't say I hate it. It's fun to be interacting with clients again even with my co-workers. It's a hard job, really low paid, on my legs all day and listening to my manager speak non stop. I'm grateful that I'm at an age and a state of mind when I don't argue anymore. I just answer yes you're absolutely right, yes it's true, yes I'll do it every time he says something to me. I did my first cleaning job. That was kind of fun. Cute small loft owned by a young marketing director. I thought the entire time everything is Kung Fu. Even my sale job could be Kung Fu. Meaning everything can be a kind of meditation depending on the perspective we choose. It takes efforts. As in Kung Fu: preparation, practice, repetition. Certains things need to be done over and over again to obtain a degree of perfection. Perfection in humility it most exist. I started to enjoy cooking. It has to do with my new kitchen which is bigger and brighter than my old one but I'm sure with my being right now. 
I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes. I even took a chip at NA the newcomer chip which said: just for today. I think it is a great mantra. Do it today, tomorrow is not there yet. So it's been 3 weeks without weed. I have to admit that the fact that I have no money to put on weed helps but nonetheless I did it. The first week was quite hard. I became very depressed and I had major headaches. But it is gone now. I replaced it with a clear mind. I even dreamed that I was enjoying having a clear mind. I feel lighter. I didn't have to say no to someone offering weed yet. Let's see what will happen then. Will I give myself permission? That chip is still a commitment. I've been attending meetings with a friend since 3 years now. He took many chips as me I never thought I would take one one day. I always thought I could stop whenever I wanted and weed wasn't a drug like crystal meth or coke or crack...but it is  drug nonetheless. And even though it is said that it isn't addictive I cried for 2 days and I had headaches which is something I don't normally have. Somebody once asked me when did I start smoking weed and I answered when I stop snorting coke. I replaced one addiction with another. I think that we addict that's what we do. It could be sex also or food or gambling the list is long. Anyway now I have my chip. My friend pushed me to take it. I had no intention to do it. I told him that I felt I was a fraud because everybody was holding me and congratulating me like I stopped a crack addiction but also because I wasn't sure of that life long commitment. But the main idea is to stop smoking weed like I was doing every day sometimes from lunch to bedtime. I never thought It was a real problem because I was a functional addict. I worked on it, took care of my daughters, did my errance. It didn't stop me from doing what I had to do. Nonetheless even it we hear that it is good for this and that and so on and so forth, it is a drug because it altered my brain and it makes me high. Maybe now I don't need that kind of high. I'm naturally high and I truly feel I'll go higher now that I ever been being high with a clear mind and a healthy soul within a healthy body.
I hope you're not afraid of heights ! :)

From one door to another

I use to think that I was going from beginning to beginning but actually it is more going from the opening of one door to the opening of another door. Sometimes I get stuck between two doors or I choose the wrong door. But eventually I get to move forward. We can't go forward without going backward. We need this time of status quo or descending movement to go up again. The idea is not to get stuck there. It is easy to get stuck. It's easier to climb down than to to climb up. Also, we know the ground, we're use to it, the summit is unknown. And what's unknown is often scary. But it is exactly that fear that prevents us to see the light. 

Almost everyone when face to difficulties starts by denying it and tends to deal with it when there's nothing no other choice but to change or drowned. Because change is hard. It's not comfortable. Quite the contrary. It takes effort and discipline and faith and trust. Because true change comes from the inside. We have to change the way our brain is wired, wired by our education, experiences, family. We have to rewire our brain. Make new neurones connections. For instance, if someone has anger problems. A way to modify his reactions would be to think that every time he will feel anger, he'll transform anger with something else, breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, anything. Then, slowly, by repetition and practice he will change his reaction with a more positive reaction. But that takes effort and discipline and perseverance.

I've been praying and doing exercices now for almost 6 months. Praying not only for me but for my family, my friends and the world. I'm starting to feel the change. I feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel more giving, more open, less resentful. I've been asking to be a better mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. 

I understand certain things better. I'm ready to wait because I'm not scared anymore. I don't need instant gratification because I know that real gratification takes time. And the difference is that I dont only know it superficially but I truly deeply know it . 

I've come a long way

A long time ago, in the nineties, I use to go out a lot. I mean really a lot, almost every night and I use to dance. Once, I was at one of the early Black and Blue, the big party organized by the LGBT community and there was a rumor that Madonna was there. I thought impossible, if she was there, she would be dancing next to me. That's how humble I was at the time. 
I danced from midnight to dawn, none stop. I danced like my life depended on it. I danced completely fucked up on drugs, whatever they were, whatever came, LSD, cocaine, GHB, Extacy... I was a black hole. I once told a friend that when I took drugs I wanted to feel as I was hit by a train. Absolutely conscious, absolutely disconnected by purpose. Above. All that to say that I know house music from the best, from the originals. I know house music from the time that house music began. I went to openings of the first after hours. I was there from the start. And I had that expression back then: Members of the Tribe. A community of people united by the love of house music, by the acceptance of difference in people, anti-conformism and by the idea of spreading good vibes to the world.
MBRTRB was born out of that concept. I always lived my life as an artist, intuitively but also intellectually. The difference is that at the time I was staying above not wanted to come down and that now I feel grounded, my two feet on earth with my head still in the sky. Like it is said: stay above, be within. 
It is a question of balance. The idea is not to be so high up that you separate yourself from humanity. I use to say, I live by them but without them. I was using the energy for my own narcissism. The others were a sole reflection of my own vision. I was a monster. My ego filled all the place.
Life taught me humility. Only in humility could I truly find god. 
The more I learn, the more I understand that I know nothing. Still, I'm peeling the layers, one by one. 
I pray every day.
I came a long way.
And the journey has just begun.

House music is still part of my life. House music is intrinsic to MBRTRB. One goes with the others. It is within the soul of MBRTRB. 
And as I say: Bitch, I know my shit.

Going political

Ohm: is considered to be the universal sound of the universe because it begins with the first sound which is the opening of the mouth A or O and finishes with the last sound M which is the closing of the mouth. 

Now that I lost my contracts with the Quebec government, I've been confronted with the different Quebec social agencies. I can't asked unemployment because I was self employed. I would receive a big 69$ of welfare. I told the Quebec employee: you're giving 1000$ to my friend who's a crack addict addict and me a single mother with 2 children I get 69$, it's a real joke ! 
Then I can't get any trainings with the Centre d'Emploi because I'm not on welfare or unemployment. 
I'm also completely appalled by the fact that the banks charge us 4$ fees every time we take out money from the teller of another institution. It's legal theft, they fuck us in the ass and everyone seems to find it normal. And I'm not talking of all the other charges...Paid, of course, by the little people, not the rich. They exempted from fees of course.
How can a person get by on a minimum wage salary ? All humans are entitled to have a decent life where they shouldn't worry how they will put food on the table, especially if they are working, especially if they have children to feed.
It's shocking to think that women still suffer from salary inequity and at the same time the ones who take care of the children after a separation. 

Watched again "Inequality for all". What a great documentary by Robert Reich. 
It is said that contrary to the popular beliefs, owners of companies are not job creators like they like to claim but it is the middle class who is a job creator because it it the middle class who contributes to 70% of the consumption in a country like the US. If the middle class can't buy products, companies are doomed. Also did you know that the salary of middle class workers decreased since the 70s while the cost of life increased and while the big industries got there taxes cut tremendously? 

I gave to a political party for the first time: the NDP, 3$ ok not a big amount, I can't do more in the circumstances but still...and I gave 5$ to Humans of New York for the pediatric cancer research. I felt good about it. 

I find also weird that people confuse what we do with what we are. If I have a great job doesn't mean I'm great. It just means I have a good job that's all.
Donald Trump is the living example, if we needed one. 
Accomplishment comes from the heart and out, not from money and in. 
Money doesn't make you a good person, it just makes you rich. 
That's all. 
So you have a good credit than what...

In Judaism, and Judaism is about 4000 years old, acts of charity are mandatory every day. Abraham was breathing by that principle. Welcoming everyone in his tent, offering them food and lodging. He even put his tent on a route used by travelers, a high way of some sort, to greet as many people as possible. 

Every day it says we have to give charity in one way or another. It could be to smile to a person in need. But we need to make one charitable act, at least. Poor or not poor, rich or not rich. 

Everyone. 

One act every day. 

It is said that the goal in life is to arrive as one person and to leave this world as another 
The meaning of life is to grow not for our own good but for the good of the whole
 

follow your heart and F**k the itinerary

Lately I'm simply amazed and so grateful by the fact that I'm alive and that I made it until now. I made it all crooked but I followed my heart and my true nature. Anyhow, I always preferred being taking advantage of than the contrary because I know,in the long run, the loser is not the one it seemed. Karma is a bitch. We can't open our heart without taking the risk of being hurt or being disappointed. Sometimes there's no other choice but to let go. Sadly. To love too much is egoistic. What we want is to be loved back. It is not an unconditional love. It is an unconditional love when we let go. Without anger nor hate. 
What I need can you feel it baby, can you feel it baby. 
I feel I've met all the men I could meet. All colours, religion, race, age, size or financial status. I've ride in bentley or took the metro with them. 25 years older or younger. Athletic, bodies of greek god or simply human. But I haven't find him yet. Or maybe I have and time will tell. I've been looking all my life for him. For my soulmate. 
Today, someone sent me a text message and it went right through me and touched my soul so hard, I had to stop walking and hold a gate. 
I'm loving my new job. 
I'm loving my new place.
I'm loving my new neighbourhood.
It's a virgin life. 
Rebirth. 

I started a one week challenge with Rabbi Laibl Wolf of Spiritgrow center. 15 minutes a day of mindful consciousness. Fantastic program. How to breath, 3 sec in, 3 sec hold, and 4 sec exhale to access increased relaxation. He said that the universe breath also. The sun orbiting around the milky way, the planets turning around the sun, the moon around, the earth, the waves with the moon, day and night etc. In and out. 
He said to focus on all our senses and feel them all at the same time. The touch, the hearing, the seeing, the tasting and the smelling.
I'm on day 3. I'll tell you more. 

Instagram is moving up. I'm at 209 to be exact. Twitter also and Soundcloud are moving but slower. I'm in no rush. I came to a point where MBRTRB is more a sort of expression outlet than a monetary avenue. It's a way for me to spread my vision and understanding of life. The way I see it through my mind. Adding my own experiences.

Opinion of the day:
To be photogenic is not an achievement. You're photogenic, good for you, but so what? What does it add to a person to be photogenic I don't get it. You look good in pictures, bravo but how do you look in your life...Are you a good person turned toward the others or are you interested in yourself only and you see the others simply as a mirror for your own reflection...
That is the question.
Beauty is a bonus not an end in itself
I find it so ridiculous this narcissistic culture we're in. 
I'm getting so annoyed with it.

I'm slowly getting accustomed to my new environment, my new reality. All the changes are done. It is very weird. Life gave me what I needed, like it or not. I feel I've been teleported to a new dimension, a new level. 
So I survived, I' a warrior, a soul warrior. 
I made it, I made it so far. 
I'm alive.

Even the greatest of the sages can't surpass the ones who saw the light after falling into the dark

Elevation of the soul

B'H'

Face my fears

Time to let go of the ego. Time of liberation. Loosen up the control over chaos. Admit that I don't control anything. What do I truly want and why Am I so scared to get it. Feel the vibes. Surf on the flow instead of going with the flow. Spontaneity. Openness. I was hiding behind him. Like a shield. Secluded by my own will. Certain things had to leave. Sam is gone. He texted: You see, I think of you and I din't answer. That was the end of it.
Why am I so scared. So scared of what is real preferring to get involved in stories that can't exist. Someone once said that I was scared of relationship because I fear abandon. Maybe. Maybe It has to do with my agression at 10 years old by a man 25 years older than me. Or maybe 26. It would be weird if it was 26. Anyhow a man and I was a little girl. I think somehow It screwed me up somewhere. It gave me my little childish voice. I learned in Hannibal the serie that a heavy trauma leaves the women who lived it, with a little voice. I thought that explains it although I always had the intuition that it was in a way linked to that event. 
All that to say, I had 3 fears to face, the lost of my apartment, the lost of my job and the lost of him. But I survived because I'm a survivor. I have 9 lives like a cat and until now I always landed on my feet. B'H'

Love vs desire

In today's world, or maybe since the beginning of time, love and desire have been intertwined. We have in our head that if we desire we love and if we love we desire. Actually desire is the opposite of love. We desire what we lack, not what we have. The absence makes us desire. Love is what is there, what exists, not what is lacking. We can't desire something that we have. Desire stops with the fulfillment of that desire. We can't be in a state of need of what is missing and in love, at the same time. We love too much to compensate the fact that someone love us not enough or not like us. We love too much thinking that showing all that love is gonna ignite the same love. Nothing can be more wrong. Love is there or it isn't there. If it's not there it isn't love. I heard recently in a video that if we wonder if a person is right for us it's because she/he isn't. Point à la ligne.
Je t'aime moi non plus
It isn't good or right to love too much. It is not good for us and it is not good for the person receiving that excess of love. We create a web that keeps both prisoners of that twisted relationship. Entangled. 
Sometimes if we truly love we have to understand that loving to let go of the person of our love. Liberating everyone. Even if it hurts. Even if we feel the vacuum afterward. The absence. Because to love too much is a sort of addiction. We get addicted to the object of our love. With love comes commitment and effort. Maybe that's why l'amour n'est pas aimé at a time of fast consumption. 
When we truly love someone, we love the essence of that person, even if or even more, when we disagree. 
I rather argue with you than make love to someone else.
Nonetheless we can't only be a giver. Even love has to be contained sometimes. 
It is said that God wanted to create the world on giving only but he realized that love had to be contained with restraint. Like the water contained by the shores of a river. 
L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. 
Sometimes the only thing to do is to wait. 
Everything has been done. 
It's in the hands of the Higher Force. 
B'H'