Ground zero

When I was a teenager I use to think that i'd rather live in an apartmwent with love than a house without love. It never occured to me that could live in a house with love. I thought money was the source of the problem. Bourgeoisie. I sang les Bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient bête les bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient vieux plus ça devient cons. Je crois que c'était des idées à ma mère qui vivait sa période hippie et Peace and love with her lover. Recently my father said that we were raised by fucked up parents and I agree to that.  But the past is by definition passed and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. For many years I was a victim of my past. I realized at one point that the only person who was getting hurt by my auto destruction was me. I don't think that I'm totally cured. But I'm getting there. Last year gave me no choice let's see what's this year has in mind. Making a commitment to be a person in action in thoughts and in words. Wiser. More humble. More in tune with my soul. 

Back to reality

In judaism, new year is arriving on the 3rd of October this year. I pray for it to be a sweet year or at least a sweeter year. But I feel optimistic which was hard for a while. There's a good vibe. I heard recently from a rabbi that what happens to you us don't define us. We are not our business card. We are spiritual beings living a material experience. Not the reverse. For the first time in my life I work hard for my money. It's boot camp. Most probably I needed it. I finally adjusted to my new place don't miss my old place at all anymore. My apartment is coming together also. More and more put together sort to speak. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. Regaining. I love the people with who I work. Every human has a divine soul. Each and everyone of us. I follow my heart as always I keep the spirit as always I kick my ass and I get going as always I only pray that this year will be better than last year but already it feels better. 5676 was a learning year for me. But I know it made me a better person. The only way to grow is to get out of our comfort zone but we can only do that, most of the time when we are force out. My values changed and I know now that, if I needed a proof, that money doesnt buy happiness. It made me humble and grateful. 
It striked me the other day when I gave soft foods to my cats after giving them hard food for 2 weeks how they all thanked me before eating. The same we are asked to thank the one who is giving us substenance before meals. 
i'm ready to get higher or deeper. Moving forward. 
MBRTRB is growing steadily except on FB which I don't truly care. I have to put it on Snapchat. Next step. 

The light sends us what we need

It's been almost 5 months since the last day of my contract. I'm slowly adapting myself to the new situation and although I'm still in a financial mess, I'm learning a lot I like my new job. I got into the rythme of having a strict schedule, an apron to wear, my coworkers and my boss. It's fine. It's quite physical but I don't mind. I'm in good shape. I'm watching lots of videos on youtube people who were sent to prison for whatever and how the came out of it. It is quite interesting and ones about people who escaped from Prison. I'm glad someone thought of giving them a voice. 2 visions in a way. I'm thinking I"m in a sort of the same position where I'm in a position I didn't choose but I have to deal with. It's all in the attitude. How we take it. What we do of it. Do we learn or not. No rush. I learned to be patient. Life has it's own rythme. And at the same time create a movement. Because we can't be static. Stay in one place forever. If not physically mentally at least.There's all sort of ways to travel. I know as a fact that travelling is overrated. Of course when you live it it's nice but it doesn't give much afterward only the memories and the pictures. Some of the most open minded people have never travelled I'm sure. One has nothing to do with the other. Travelling is an egoistic pleasure.Some of the most depressed too. I'm thinking one day at the time. From now to now. From here to there. One step at the time. Thinking I shouldn't be scare because the light is in every of my step.

Long time no see

I've havent written for a very long time. I've been installing myself into my new life. Adjusting to a new neighborhood and a new job. It's very different from before and i realize now, how much of a princess I was, event though, I thought of myself ortherwise. I think I'm now to the post doctorat in humility. St-Henri is very different from Westmount. It's dirty and very mix socially. The Third World is closer then you think, but it's very diverse and I always loved diversity. We are all children of God. We all come from the same ancestors. We are all human. Rich and poor, black or white, gay or heterosexual. There is a divine spark in all of us. So I go for the good in people. As much as I can. Although, sometimes it is better to just stay away. I love the employees and my new boss. All the guys are gays which is refreshing, not as tight as it was at my old job. I like the girls too. One older and jewish one younger and black. Everybody has something special and unique. I never worked with that type of employees before. And I work with beautiful products and a sophisticated clientele. Everybody is quite stylish. It reminds me of Cartier. I loved working at Cartier. I loved everything about it. But my new job comes close to it. It is not as high end and i don't sell diamonds but the buyers are in the same vibe sort to speak. Money wise it is a disaster. But a lesson nonetheless. I'm more conscious of the way I was spending before, thinking that It was essential when actually it is not at all, so I cut in things I never thought before I would or I could cut. I buy in second hands store and I'm perfectly dressed and in Saint-Henri I am not as much tempted. And he is back. Which feels very good. I had to come to the conclusion that I love him and he loves me and that I have to deal with it. It is a fact. He is the love of my life. I don't feel the age difference anymore. He teaches me things I didn't know. He teaches me trust. He makes me see life from an another perspective. I feel I want to build with him. Let's see where this story goes. From here to here from now to now. No stress. I surf on the flow.
Regarding MBRTRB, waiting to have some funds available to produce the respect t-shirts in red and pink. 
Found the right guy to print them. lives very close to me.
Still going forward, still kicking ass

Lesson in humility step 4 and Just for today

I've started my new job as a sale person. I can't say I hate it. It's fun to be interacting with clients again even with my co-workers. It's a hard job, really low paid, on my legs all day and listening to my manager speak non stop. I'm grateful that I'm at an age and a state of mind when I don't argue anymore. I just answer yes you're absolutely right, yes it's true, yes I'll do it every time he says something to me. I did my first cleaning job. That was kind of fun. Cute small loft owned by a young marketing director. I thought the entire time everything is Kung Fu. Even my sale job could be Kung Fu. Meaning everything can be a kind of meditation depending on the perspective we choose. It takes efforts. As in Kung Fu: preparation, practice, repetition. Certains things need to be done over and over again to obtain a degree of perfection. Perfection in humility it most exist. I started to enjoy cooking. It has to do with my new kitchen which is bigger and brighter than my old one but I'm sure with my being right now. 
I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes. I even took a chip at NA the newcomer chip which said: just for today. I think it is a great mantra. Do it today, tomorrow is not there yet. So it's been 3 weeks without weed. I have to admit that the fact that I have no money to put on weed helps but nonetheless I did it. The first week was quite hard. I became very depressed and I had major headaches. But it is gone now. I replaced it with a clear mind. I even dreamed that I was enjoying having a clear mind. I feel lighter. I didn't have to say no to someone offering weed yet. Let's see what will happen then. Will I give myself permission? That chip is still a commitment. I've been attending meetings with a friend since 3 years now. He took many chips as me I never thought I would take one one day. I always thought I could stop whenever I wanted and weed wasn't a drug like crystal meth or coke or crack...but it is  drug nonetheless. And even though it is said that it isn't addictive I cried for 2 days and I had headaches which is something I don't normally have. Somebody once asked me when did I start smoking weed and I answered when I stop snorting coke. I replaced one addiction with another. I think that we addict that's what we do. It could be sex also or food or gambling the list is long. Anyway now I have my chip. My friend pushed me to take it. I had no intention to do it. I told him that I felt I was a fraud because everybody was holding me and congratulating me like I stopped a crack addiction but also because I wasn't sure of that life long commitment. But the main idea is to stop smoking weed like I was doing every day sometimes from lunch to bedtime. I never thought It was a real problem because I was a functional addict. I worked on it, took care of my daughters, did my errance. It didn't stop me from doing what I had to do. Nonetheless even it we hear that it is good for this and that and so on and so forth, it is a drug because it altered my brain and it makes me high. Maybe now I don't need that kind of high. I'm naturally high and I truly feel I'll go higher now that I ever been being high with a clear mind and a healthy soul within a healthy body.
I hope you're not afraid of heights ! :)

From one door to another

I use to think that I was going from beginning to beginning but actually it is more going from the opening of one door to the opening of another door. Sometimes I get stuck between two doors or I choose the wrong door. But eventually I get to move forward. We can't go forward without going backward. We need this time of status quo or descending movement to go up again. The idea is not to get stuck there. It is easy to get stuck. It's easier to climb down than to to climb up. Also, we know the ground, we're use to it, the summit is unknown. And what's unknown is often scary. But it is exactly that fear that prevents us to see the light. 

Almost everyone when face to difficulties starts by denying it and tends to deal with it when there's nothing no other choice but to change or drowned. Because change is hard. It's not comfortable. Quite the contrary. It takes effort and discipline and faith and trust. Because true change comes from the inside. We have to change the way our brain is wired, wired by our education, experiences, family. We have to rewire our brain. Make new neurones connections. For instance, if someone has anger problems. A way to modify his reactions would be to think that every time he will feel anger, he'll transform anger with something else, breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, anything. Then, slowly, by repetition and practice he will change his reaction with a more positive reaction. But that takes effort and discipline and perseverance.

I've been praying and doing exercices now for almost 6 months. Praying not only for me but for my family, my friends and the world. I'm starting to feel the change. I feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel more giving, more open, less resentful. I've been asking to be a better mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. 

I understand certain things better. I'm ready to wait because I'm not scared anymore. I don't need instant gratification because I know that real gratification takes time. And the difference is that I dont only know it superficially but I truly deeply know it . 

I've come a long way

A long time ago, in the nineties, I use to go out a lot. I mean really a lot, almost every night and I use to dance. Once, I was at one of the early Black and Blue, the big party organized by the LGBT community and there was a rumor that Madonna was there. I thought impossible, if she was there, she would be dancing next to me. That's how humble I was at the time. 
I danced from midnight to dawn, none stop. I danced like my life depended on it. I danced completely fucked up on drugs, whatever they were, whatever came, LSD, cocaine, GHB, Extacy... I was a black hole. I once told a friend that when I took drugs I wanted to feel as I was hit by a train. Absolutely conscious, absolutely disconnected by purpose. Above. All that to say that I know house music from the best, from the originals. I know house music from the time that house music began. I went to openings of the first after hours. I was there from the start. And I had that expression back then: Members of the Tribe. A community of people united by the love of house music, by the acceptance of difference in people, anti-conformism and by the idea of spreading good vibes to the world.
MBRTRB was born out of that concept. I always lived my life as an artist, intuitively but also intellectually. The difference is that at the time I was staying above not wanted to come down and that now I feel grounded, my two feet on earth with my head still in the sky. Like it is said: stay above, be within. 
It is a question of balance. The idea is not to be so high up that you separate yourself from humanity. I use to say, I live by them but without them. I was using the energy for my own narcissism. The others were a sole reflection of my own vision. I was a monster. My ego filled all the place.
Life taught me humility. Only in humility could I truly find god. 
The more I learn, the more I understand that I know nothing. Still, I'm peeling the layers, one by one. 
I pray every day.
I came a long way.
And the journey has just begun.

House music is still part of my life. House music is intrinsic to MBRTRB. One goes with the others. It is within the soul of MBRTRB. 
And as I say: Bitch, I know my shit.