mercredi 22 mars 2017

The creation of the new or how to let go of the old





that is his tshirt ≤3

A lot have happened lately. Yet again, not only another beginning but a true new beginning
My love have been deported to his country. It was a shock. Although I've been praying for him to go back. His situation was in a dead end. There is no future for an illegal immigrant. Lots of worries. I was praying for him to leave because that was the only way to end this relationship that didn't make sense for any of us. Even if we loved or love each other. I have a tendency to live in the absolute. It is not always good. Life is here on earth and the earth has material demands that the absolute only can"t fulfill. So now that he is gone, I sleep early, wake up early, go to work, take care of my children. I never thought teenagers needed their mom so much. How did I do it without a mom by my side. (I didn't do very well...It was total chaos.)
I stopped everything cigarettes, weed. I don't drink, i eat healthy, I have a small routine exercise that I do every morning. I live a good and simple life. I look rested. For some people it is easy to walk the line, for me, it is always a fight. I have to force myself to be disciplined, to stay on the right track. Every day it takes discipline and effort. But one day It will become second nature. First we have to refrain, second engage into new positive habits. I apply for volunteering. Set up a charity box in my house. 
For once in my life, I live according to my means. Which is enormous. Funny how I make a third of what I use to make and I don't borrow money anymore. I cut everywhere the unnecessary. I buy my clothes in thrift store which is the future. I'm thinking of a way to do the same with MBRTRB. 
The members are going up on instagram and I haven't given up on it just yet. Eventually the way will appear to me.

The idea is to see ourselves as a perfect human being. Which we are. Our soul is. Perfect. Better to aim at a perfect self than at an imperfect being. Better aim high than low. Instead of thinking I'm not good or I cant do this or be that etc., repeating and conveying what we heard people say about us, parents, teachers, family, peers, whoever, we have to think outside of that exterior knowledge of who we are. We have to get rid of the image of how we view ourselves and begin to construct a new self free of those external judgments. Why not change angle? Get out of our comfort zone and redefine ourselves.
Instead of saying I'm a disaster when it comes to finance, think I always manage my budget. Dare to think outside of our own definition of who we are. That is, if you want to move forward. It is strange how we become attached to the way we are, stuck in the status quo. Often we have to be forced to change. Because change doesn't come easy. It is a painful and scary state. There is this unsettling moment where we find ourselves in a no man's land, leaving the shore but not yet at our destination, facing the unknown, leaving the security of what we knew until then. Reassessing our needs and our wants and readjusting our trajectory to something different from what we were accustomed until then. Not denying the past but creating a new definition of who we are. 

 "Following the light of the sun, we left the old world". Christopher Columbus. 

The term G-d is not used in Kabbalah, but Eternal Light. So that's what I did, forced out of my old world: my job, my apartment and lastly with the departure of my love, I followed the Light and asked for His guidance on this new journey. And Blessed be he, I made it thanks to Him. 

That's all I can say: B'H' I made it, I made it. I made it through the other side and the transformation is almost complete. I can clearly claim I'm not the same. I have changed for the better. I am a new woman.