Gratitude

At the beginning of Exodus, Myriam is sent, by jer motherm to watch over her brother Moshes who was in a basket in the water. Acknowledging gratitude. The difficulty is to be grateful for what we have. I'm in a hard school right now. I work with a very special person, mentally special. OCB. Or border line autistic. Whatever it is he's special. And I don't know how to remain calm when he starts. Whenever he is stress and it happens quite often. Especially when I'm tired. He's overwhelming. And we work in a small place. And tightly together. He never let go. He comments on everything. Like we say in French, il exagère. He goes over board. Today, I couldn't believe what he was saying. At the same time he has a big heart. I know that. But he complicates everything. I need to find a way to deal with him. Not to let him get to me. Not let it affects me. I am stronger then that. I'm better than that.
We are messengers. Our whole being is a gift. Soul and breathing are intrinsically connected. We have to share what we have. We live in a very narcissistic and egoistic world. So often people forgets to share. The soul needs as the body needs exercice, exercice as well. Real success in life begins when we are standing on something right. By allowing people to be different they become one. Harmony within diversity. I'm a channel to bring the light into the world. Interface to something greater. 
When I was a child I was wondering about the feeling of happiness I got when I did a good gesture. I was asking myself: was that feeling making the gesture selfish. It isn't selfish. In contrary. It is the instantaneous effect of that gesture. Give and receive almost instantaneously. 
 To be thankful for what we have, to express gratitude to something greater than us. First step of a meaningful life. 
Lessons learned from Rabbi Simon Jacobson

Better late than never or in order to give we have to be able to receive or me first or time to grow up

I came to a realization that I never thought me first. I always put other first. I never stood for myself. I thought I was. Raising my girls, it strikes me how we learn from imitation. We transmit what we learned from our education good or bad beause that's what we know. We can't reproduce something we don't know. If I'm in this type of relationship it is because that's what I saw growing up as a teenager. Of Hillel famous quote:

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? 

If I am not for others, what am I? 

And if not now, when?” 

I only took the second part, not the first. I understand now that without the first part you can never truly be for others. I now have to learn to receive. It is not as simple as it seems. Me first like a mantra. I heard that recommandation from 2 sources lately. Like in stereo. I al;ways put myself at the convenience of others. What was suitable for them was suitable for me. On the other hand like Hillel states I cannot be only for my own ego. But Me comes first nonetheless in a flowing and harmonious movement. Me first because they will survive. 

'"We can never receive something new and bigger, 

unless we let go of something else first! 

It’s the law of the universe; we need to make space for the new. "

Yael Yardeni

I have to let go of my comfort zone and jump into Me, what I truly want, what I truly desire and not settle for nothing else. And I won't try to rationalize it in my mind.Time to grow up.
And most of all what we did or do what happened to us don't define who we are. Who we are is perfect. We can at all time come back to our true self because it has always been there.
Shalom 
Peace and love always

Movement

In judaism, time is viewed as a spiral. Going forward, backward but always upward, like the DNA. Time began with the creation of the world. And with time, History. And with time, movement. I remembeùr thinking as a teanager that I wanted to deconstruct or depart from all the acquired conditions of my education to create my own self. I wanted to believe that could be done. I'm a product of my education but I also evolved from it. I'm grateful for certain things, actually I should say that I'm grateful for everything because that made me who I am today, it permitted what I became. We can't escape from your past but we can get out our comfort zone leave the shore and fly. Some people get stuck in their pettiness littleness, misery and stay in it because it is safe to remain in what they know. They're not courageous enough to take the leap of faith have trust and get out. The door is just there it might even be opened even though they look through but they don't move. Status quo. I think there is nothing worse but to be in a status quo. Not living just existing. Alive but still dead. Like the line on the screen when the heart stops to beat. No movement no exiatence. 
I heard a rabbi say that we shouldn't be asking for an easy life but for a meaningful life. An easy life is not the key. The key is the meaning of our life. It's purpose. I looked for purpose all my life. Why was I on earth...I wanted to be a mother for that reason, to give meaning. If nothing else, to be a mother was the ultimate purpose for me. 

To create desire, a dream. The desire is born out of need,of manque...We only desire what we don't have, what we have we love. 

Unity in diversity.

Ground zero

When I was a teenager I use to think that i'd rather live in an apartmwent with love than a house without love. It never occured to me that could live in a house with love. I thought money was the source of the problem. Bourgeoisie. I sang les Bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient bête les bourgeois c'est comme des cochons plus ça devient vieux plus ça devient cons. Je crois que c'était des idées à ma mère qui vivait sa période hippie et Peace and love with her lover. Recently my father said that we were raised by fucked up parents and I agree to that.  But the past is by definition passed and gone. It doesn't exist anymore. For many years I was a victim of my past. I realized at one point that the only person who was getting hurt by my auto destruction was me. I don't think that I'm totally cured. But I'm getting there. Last year gave me no choice let's see what's this year has in mind. Making a commitment to be a person in action in thoughts and in words. Wiser. More humble. More in tune with my soul. 

Back to reality

In judaism, new year is arriving on the 3rd of October this year. I pray for it to be a sweet year or at least a sweeter year. But I feel optimistic which was hard for a while. There's a good vibe. I heard recently from a rabbi that what happens to you us don't define us. We are not our business card. We are spiritual beings living a material experience. Not the reverse. For the first time in my life I work hard for my money. It's boot camp. Most probably I needed it. I finally adjusted to my new place don't miss my old place at all anymore. My apartment is coming together also. More and more put together sort to speak. I'm slowly gaining confidence in myself. Regaining. I love the people with who I work. Every human has a divine soul. Each and everyone of us. I follow my heart as always I keep the spirit as always I kick my ass and I get going as always I only pray that this year will be better than last year but already it feels better. 5676 was a learning year for me. But I know it made me a better person. The only way to grow is to get out of our comfort zone but we can only do that, most of the time when we are force out. My values changed and I know now that, if I needed a proof, that money doesnt buy happiness. It made me humble and grateful. 
It striked me the other day when I gave soft foods to my cats after giving them hard food for 2 weeks how they all thanked me before eating. The same we are asked to thank the one who is giving us substenance before meals. 
i'm ready to get higher or deeper. Moving forward. 
MBRTRB is growing steadily except on FB which I don't truly care. I have to put it on Snapchat. Next step. 

The light sends us what we need

It's been almost 5 months since the last day of my contract. I'm slowly adapting myself to the new situation and although I'm still in a financial mess, I'm learning a lot I like my new job. I got into the rythme of having a strict schedule, an apron to wear, my coworkers and my boss. It's fine. It's quite physical but I don't mind. I'm in good shape. I'm watching lots of videos on youtube people who were sent to prison for whatever and how the came out of it. It is quite interesting and ones about people who escaped from Prison. I'm glad someone thought of giving them a voice. 2 visions in a way. I'm thinking I"m in a sort of the same position where I'm in a position I didn't choose but I have to deal with. It's all in the attitude. How we take it. What we do of it. Do we learn or not. No rush. I learned to be patient. Life has it's own rythme. And at the same time create a movement. Because we can't be static. Stay in one place forever. If not physically mentally at least.There's all sort of ways to travel. I know as a fact that travelling is overrated. Of course when you live it it's nice but it doesn't give much afterward only the memories and the pictures. Some of the most open minded people have never travelled I'm sure. One has nothing to do with the other. Travelling is an egoistic pleasure.Some of the most depressed too. I'm thinking one day at the time. From now to now. From here to there. One step at the time. Thinking I shouldn't be scare because the light is in every of my step.

Long time no see

I've havent written for a very long time. I've been installing myself into my new life. Adjusting to a new neighborhood and a new job. It's very different from before and i realize now, how much of a princess I was, event though, I thought of myself ortherwise. I think I'm now to the post doctorat in humility. St-Henri is very different from Westmount. It's dirty and very mix socially. The Third World is closer then you think, but it's very diverse and I always loved diversity. We are all children of God. We all come from the same ancestors. We are all human. Rich and poor, black or white, gay or heterosexual. There is a divine spark in all of us. So I go for the good in people. As much as I can. Although, sometimes it is better to just stay away. I love the employees and my new boss. All the guys are gays which is refreshing, not as tight as it was at my old job. I like the girls too. One older and jewish one younger and black. Everybody has something special and unique. I never worked with that type of employees before. And I work with beautiful products and a sophisticated clientele. Everybody is quite stylish. It reminds me of Cartier. I loved working at Cartier. I loved everything about it. But my new job comes close to it. It is not as high end and i don't sell diamonds but the buyers are in the same vibe sort to speak. Money wise it is a disaster. But a lesson nonetheless. I'm more conscious of the way I was spending before, thinking that It was essential when actually it is not at all, so I cut in things I never thought before I would or I could cut. I buy in second hands store and I'm perfectly dressed and in Saint-Henri I am not as much tempted. And he is back. Which feels very good. I had to come to the conclusion that I love him and he loves me and that I have to deal with it. It is a fact. He is the love of my life. I don't feel the age difference anymore. He teaches me things I didn't know. He teaches me trust. He makes me see life from an another perspective. I feel I want to build with him. Let's see where this story goes. From here to here from now to now. No stress. I surf on the flow.
Regarding MBRTRB, waiting to have some funds available to produce the respect t-shirts in red and pink. 
Found the right guy to print them. lives very close to me.
Still going forward, still kicking ass

Lesson in humility step 4 and Just for today

I've started my new job as a sale person. I can't say I hate it. It's fun to be interacting with clients again even with my co-workers. It's a hard job, really low paid, on my legs all day and listening to my manager speak non stop. I'm grateful that I'm at an age and a state of mind when I don't argue anymore. I just answer yes you're absolutely right, yes it's true, yes I'll do it every time he says something to me. I did my first cleaning job. That was kind of fun. Cute small loft owned by a young marketing director. I thought the entire time everything is Kung Fu. Even my sale job could be Kung Fu. Meaning everything can be a kind of meditation depending on the perspective we choose. It takes efforts. As in Kung Fu: preparation, practice, repetition. Certains things need to be done over and over again to obtain a degree of perfection. Perfection in humility it most exist. I started to enjoy cooking. It has to do with my new kitchen which is bigger and brighter than my old one but I'm sure with my being right now. 
I stopped smoking weed and cigarettes. I even took a chip at NA the newcomer chip which said: just for today. I think it is a great mantra. Do it today, tomorrow is not there yet. So it's been 3 weeks without weed. I have to admit that the fact that I have no money to put on weed helps but nonetheless I did it. The first week was quite hard. I became very depressed and I had major headaches. But it is gone now. I replaced it with a clear mind. I even dreamed that I was enjoying having a clear mind. I feel lighter. I didn't have to say no to someone offering weed yet. Let's see what will happen then. Will I give myself permission? That chip is still a commitment. I've been attending meetings with a friend since 3 years now. He took many chips as me I never thought I would take one one day. I always thought I could stop whenever I wanted and weed wasn't a drug like crystal meth or coke or crack...but it is  drug nonetheless. And even though it is said that it isn't addictive I cried for 2 days and I had headaches which is something I don't normally have. Somebody once asked me when did I start smoking weed and I answered when I stop snorting coke. I replaced one addiction with another. I think that we addict that's what we do. It could be sex also or food or gambling the list is long. Anyway now I have my chip. My friend pushed me to take it. I had no intention to do it. I told him that I felt I was a fraud because everybody was holding me and congratulating me like I stopped a crack addiction but also because I wasn't sure of that life long commitment. But the main idea is to stop smoking weed like I was doing every day sometimes from lunch to bedtime. I never thought It was a real problem because I was a functional addict. I worked on it, took care of my daughters, did my errance. It didn't stop me from doing what I had to do. Nonetheless even it we hear that it is good for this and that and so on and so forth, it is a drug because it altered my brain and it makes me high. Maybe now I don't need that kind of high. I'm naturally high and I truly feel I'll go higher now that I ever been being high with a clear mind and a healthy soul within a healthy body.
I hope you're not afraid of heights ! :)

From one door to another

I use to think that I was going from beginning to beginning but actually it is more going from the opening of one door to the opening of another door. Sometimes I get stuck between two doors or I choose the wrong door. But eventually I get to move forward. We can't go forward without going backward. We need this time of status quo or descending movement to go up again. The idea is not to get stuck there. It is easy to get stuck. It's easier to climb down than to to climb up. Also, we know the ground, we're use to it, the summit is unknown. And what's unknown is often scary. But it is exactly that fear that prevents us to see the light. 

Almost everyone when face to difficulties starts by denying it and tends to deal with it when there's nothing no other choice but to change or drowned. Because change is hard. It's not comfortable. Quite the contrary. It takes effort and discipline and faith and trust. Because true change comes from the inside. We have to change the way our brain is wired, wired by our education, experiences, family. We have to rewire our brain. Make new neurones connections. For instance, if someone has anger problems. A way to modify his reactions would be to think that every time he will feel anger, he'll transform anger with something else, breathing, taking a walk, listening to music, anything. Then, slowly, by repetition and practice he will change his reaction with a more positive reaction. But that takes effort and discipline and perseverance.

I've been praying and doing exercices now for almost 6 months. Praying not only for me but for my family, my friends and the world. I'm starting to feel the change. I feel it inside of me. I feel different. I feel more giving, more open, less resentful. I've been asking to be a better mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. 

I understand certain things better. I'm ready to wait because I'm not scared anymore. I don't need instant gratification because I know that real gratification takes time. And the difference is that I dont only know it superficially but I truly deeply know it . 

I've come a long way

A long time ago, in the nineties, I use to go out a lot. I mean really a lot, almost every night and I use to dance. Once, I was at one of the early Black and Blue, the big party organized by the LGBT community and there was a rumor that Madonna was there. I thought impossible, if she was there, she would be dancing next to me. That's how humble I was at the time. 
I danced from midnight to dawn, none stop. I danced like my life depended on it. I danced completely fucked up on drugs, whatever they were, whatever came, LSD, cocaine, GHB, Extacy... I was a black hole. I once told a friend that when I took drugs I wanted to feel as I was hit by a train. Absolutely conscious, absolutely disconnected by purpose. Above. All that to say that I know house music from the best, from the originals. I know house music from the time that house music began. I went to openings of the first after hours. I was there from the start. And I had that expression back then: Members of the Tribe. A community of people united by the love of house music, by the acceptance of difference in people, anti-conformism and by the idea of spreading good vibes to the world.
MBRTRB was born out of that concept. I always lived my life as an artist, intuitively but also intellectually. The difference is that at the time I was staying above not wanted to come down and that now I feel grounded, my two feet on earth with my head still in the sky. Like it is said: stay above, be within. 
It is a question of balance. The idea is not to be so high up that you separate yourself from humanity. I use to say, I live by them but without them. I was using the energy for my own narcissism. The others were a sole reflection of my own vision. I was a monster. My ego filled all the place.
Life taught me humility. Only in humility could I truly find god. 
The more I learn, the more I understand that I know nothing. Still, I'm peeling the layers, one by one. 
I pray every day.
I came a long way.
And the journey has just begun.

House music is still part of my life. House music is intrinsic to MBRTRB. One goes with the others. It is within the soul of MBRTRB. 
And as I say: Bitch, I know my shit.

Going political

Ohm: is considered to be the universal sound of the universe because it begins with the first sound which is the opening of the mouth A or O and finishes with the last sound M which is the closing of the mouth. 

Now that I lost my contracts with the Quebec government, I've been confronted with the different Quebec social agencies. I can't asked unemployment because I was self employed. I would receive a big 69$ of welfare. I told the Quebec employee: you're giving 1000$ to my friend who's a crack addict addict and me a single mother with 2 children I get 69$, it's a real joke ! 
Then I can't get any trainings with the Centre d'Emploi because I'm not on welfare or unemployment. 
I'm also completely appalled by the fact that the banks charge us 4$ fees every time we take out money from the teller of another institution. It's legal theft, they fuck us in the ass and everyone seems to find it normal. And I'm not talking of all the other charges...Paid, of course, by the little people, not the rich. They exempted from fees of course.
How can a person get by on a minimum wage salary ? All humans are entitled to have a decent life where they shouldn't worry how they will put food on the table, especially if they are working, especially if they have children to feed.
It's shocking to think that women still suffer from salary inequity and at the same time the ones who take care of the children after a separation. 

Watched again "Inequality for all". What a great documentary by Robert Reich. 
It is said that contrary to the popular beliefs, owners of companies are not job creators like they like to claim but it is the middle class who is a job creator because it it the middle class who contributes to 70% of the consumption in a country like the US. If the middle class can't buy products, companies are doomed. Also did you know that the salary of middle class workers decreased since the 70s while the cost of life increased and while the big industries got there taxes cut tremendously? 

I gave to a political party for the first time: the NDP, 3$ ok not a big amount, I can't do more in the circumstances but still...and I gave 5$ to Humans of New York for the pediatric cancer research. I felt good about it. 

I find also weird that people confuse what we do with what we are. If I have a great job doesn't mean I'm great. It just means I have a good job that's all.
Donald Trump is the living example, if we needed one. 
Accomplishment comes from the heart and out, not from money and in. 
Money doesn't make you a good person, it just makes you rich. 
That's all. 
So you have a good credit than what...

In Judaism, and Judaism is about 4000 years old, acts of charity are mandatory every day. Abraham was breathing by that principle. Welcoming everyone in his tent, offering them food and lodging. He even put his tent on a route used by travelers, a high way of some sort, to greet as many people as possible. 

Every day it says we have to give charity in one way or another. It could be to smile to a person in need. But we need to make one charitable act, at least. Poor or not poor, rich or not rich. 

Everyone. 

One act every day. 

It is said that the goal in life is to arrive as one person and to leave this world as another 
The meaning of life is to grow not for our own good but for the good of the whole
 

follow your heart and F**k the itinerary

Lately I'm simply amazed and so grateful by the fact that I'm alive and that I made it until now. I made it all crooked but I followed my heart and my true nature. Anyhow, I always preferred being taking advantage of than the contrary because I know,in the long run, the loser is not the one it seemed. Karma is a bitch. We can't open our heart without taking the risk of being hurt or being disappointed. Sometimes there's no other choice but to let go. Sadly. To love too much is egoistic. What we want is to be loved back. It is not an unconditional love. It is an unconditional love when we let go. Without anger nor hate. 
What I need can you feel it baby, can you feel it baby. 
I feel I've met all the men I could meet. All colours, religion, race, age, size or financial status. I've ride in bentley or took the metro with them. 25 years older or younger. Athletic, bodies of greek god or simply human. But I haven't find him yet. Or maybe I have and time will tell. I've been looking all my life for him. For my soulmate. 
Today, someone sent me a text message and it went right through me and touched my soul so hard, I had to stop walking and hold a gate. 
I'm loving my new job. 
I'm loving my new place.
I'm loving my new neighbourhood.
It's a virgin life. 
Rebirth. 

I started a one week challenge with Rabbi Laibl Wolf of Spiritgrow center. 15 minutes a day of mindful consciousness. Fantastic program. How to breath, 3 sec in, 3 sec hold, and 4 sec exhale to access increased relaxation. He said that the universe breath also. The sun orbiting around the milky way, the planets turning around the sun, the moon around, the earth, the waves with the moon, day and night etc. In and out. 
He said to focus on all our senses and feel them all at the same time. The touch, the hearing, the seeing, the tasting and the smelling.
I'm on day 3. I'll tell you more. 

Instagram is moving up. I'm at 209 to be exact. Twitter also and Soundcloud are moving but slower. I'm in no rush. I came to a point where MBRTRB is more a sort of expression outlet than a monetary avenue. It's a way for me to spread my vision and understanding of life. The way I see it through my mind. Adding my own experiences.

Opinion of the day:
To be photogenic is not an achievement. You're photogenic, good for you, but so what? What does it add to a person to be photogenic I don't get it. You look good in pictures, bravo but how do you look in your life...Are you a good person turned toward the others or are you interested in yourself only and you see the others simply as a mirror for your own reflection...
That is the question.
Beauty is a bonus not an end in itself
I find it so ridiculous this narcissistic culture we're in. 
I'm getting so annoyed with it.

I'm slowly getting accustomed to my new environment, my new reality. All the changes are done. It is very weird. Life gave me what I needed, like it or not. I feel I've been teleported to a new dimension, a new level. 
So I survived, I' a warrior, a soul warrior. 
I made it, I made it so far. 
I'm alive.

Even the greatest of the sages can't surpass the ones who saw the light after falling into the dark

Elevation of the soul

B'H'

Face my fears

Time to let go of the ego. Time of liberation. Loosen up the control over chaos. Admit that I don't control anything. What do I truly want and why Am I so scared to get it. Feel the vibes. Surf on the flow instead of going with the flow. Spontaneity. Openness. I was hiding behind him. Like a shield. Secluded by my own will. Certain things had to leave. Sam is gone. He texted: You see, I think of you and I din't answer. That was the end of it.
Why am I so scared. So scared of what is real preferring to get involved in stories that can't exist. Someone once said that I was scared of relationship because I fear abandon. Maybe. Maybe It has to do with my agression at 10 years old by a man 25 years older than me. Or maybe 26. It would be weird if it was 26. Anyhow a man and I was a little girl. I think somehow It screwed me up somewhere. It gave me my little childish voice. I learned in Hannibal the serie that a heavy trauma leaves the women who lived it, with a little voice. I thought that explains it although I always had the intuition that it was in a way linked to that event. 
All that to say, I had 3 fears to face, the lost of my apartment, the lost of my job and the lost of him. But I survived because I'm a survivor. I have 9 lives like a cat and until now I always landed on my feet. B'H'

Love vs desire

In today's world, or maybe since the beginning of time, love and desire have been intertwined. We have in our head that if we desire we love and if we love we desire. Actually desire is the opposite of love. We desire what we lack, not what we have. The absence makes us desire. Love is what is there, what exists, not what is lacking. We can't desire something that we have. Desire stops with the fulfillment of that desire. We can't be in a state of need of what is missing and in love, at the same time. We love too much to compensate the fact that someone love us not enough or not like us. We love too much thinking that showing all that love is gonna ignite the same love. Nothing can be more wrong. Love is there or it isn't there. If it's not there it isn't love. I heard recently in a video that if we wonder if a person is right for us it's because she/he isn't. Point à la ligne.
Je t'aime moi non plus
It isn't good or right to love too much. It is not good for us and it is not good for the person receiving that excess of love. We create a web that keeps both prisoners of that twisted relationship. Entangled. 
Sometimes if we truly love we have to understand that loving to let go of the person of our love. Liberating everyone. Even if it hurts. Even if we feel the vacuum afterward. The absence. Because to love too much is a sort of addiction. We get addicted to the object of our love. With love comes commitment and effort. Maybe that's why l'amour n'est pas aimé at a time of fast consumption. 
When we truly love someone, we love the essence of that person, even if or even more, when we disagree. 
I rather argue with you than make love to someone else.
Nonetheless we can't only be a giver. Even love has to be contained sometimes. 
It is said that God wanted to create the world on giving only but he realized that love had to be contained with restraint. Like the water contained by the shores of a river. 
L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. 
Sometimes the only thing to do is to wait. 
Everything has been done. 
It's in the hands of the Higher Force. 
B'H'

Clueless

Certain persons just know where they're going. They know what they like, what they want to do and they go for it. Others, like, me, have no clue. They just don't know. What is meant to be is meant to be. But the question is, What is meant to be? I just pray for the best. I am like a hooker without a sidewalk...
When people use to ask me what I did in life, I use to answer: I live it keeps me busy. I live but I'm not very good at it. I have no certainty. I am lost in the material world. I don't know what to do in it. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. Although, I know more what I shouldn't be doing so I guess that's a progress. So I go from now to now. No other choice. I push myself from now to now. Hoping, wishing praying God to show me the way, to help me find my way. I never was a career woman, a practical woman. I was flying among the stars not wanting to come back. I love life it is just that I have no talent for the productive part of it. On that subject, it is very peculiar how I don't fit in any of the boxes that the government have for people without income or unemployed. I fall in a black hole. 

I left my love because I loved him to much and I had to move forward. 

I see myself as a tightrope walker walking in the dark empty space surrounded by stars without a net with faith as my rope. 

We are not material creatures seeking a spiritual experience we are spiritual creatures leaving a material experience. I feel my soul inside limited by this body of mine. I feel it as a different entity. I feel like a different species. I feel it strongly, deeply. 
Before I use to ask, half serious, half joking, the infinity to take me home, that i was sent to the wrong planet. That I was not suppose to be here. That I had no connection with the people around me. Indigenous. I felt like a fallen angel expelled from paradise trying to find my way home. Garden of Eden. 
Funny. 
Because a soul comes from the upper world to earth, to do its journey, to accomplish its purpose of repairing the world by its good deeds, good actions. 
Maybe my soul didn't want to come back. What have I done to be back? What do I have to repair.
I suppose I know.

Core transformation. The let go of the ego. 

Be within stay above

We moved to our new place. It is new. It is the first time we live in such anew and clean place. Feels amazing. It's coming along. The frames are almost all up. Need to buy few things and we're done. Thank God for my dad's help. Even though it hurts my ego to have to rely yet on his help again. 
Anyway our place looks great. 
Change is hard but now that it is done I wonder why did I wait so long? Why did I have to be forced to change to change. Life gives us what we need, God or whatever you want to call him, her, the light, the spiritual force, whatever, gives us what we need, good or bad. And we have to live up to the moment, not thinking it is about me, us, but it's about growing turning to the others. And in order to truly change I had to change my way of life. It is a never ending project. A started it many many years ago. Since I can remember. I had to go down to go up again. Slowly, one step at the time. Taking few steps back and back forward again. The main thing is never to give up. Never feel so sorry we can't move anymore, to center around or belly bottom, poor me, it's unfair, life isn't just etc. The idea is to use that moment of despair to rise by transforming the situation into a growing situation ending up higher than where we began. 
Humility is the key. I thought I could do it alone, that I didn't need a man. I know now that I need a man, that I can't do it alone. I need a true partner, a committed partner. Someone my kids will be proud to see me with. I can't think of myself only. I have to think of my children and what example I give them as a woman, as a mother. 
Life is a learning process. 
And I always loved to learn.
Be within Stay above

Lessons in humility 2

I guess 2016 is the continuity of 2015. We're going deeper into introspection and what truly counts. The unessential is getting ripped out like it or not. Total transformation. And I thought I was doing okay. I was quite happy with myself. I realize now how far away I am. Not even close. 2016 is the time of the diminishing of the ego to it's right place. I thought I was spiritual but the self was talking. I was turning inward instead of outward. I guess it has to start with oneself but it can't remain there. Otherwise it is sterile. Close circuit. It doesn't light up the world and furthermore it can't change it. That's why charity is important and volunteering is important too. The visit of the sick. To get out of ourself belly bottom and to reach out for a soulful encounter. Go further than the material. 
Go beyond
Be within stay above
Meditation
Looking back and asking for forgiveness. Stripping from the past that doesn't exist anymore. Focusing on the now. The ways of the past are over. Only the present is real. 
I'm thinking, shrinking the animal soul is like going on a diet. At first, it is painful. It feels like a sacrifice. But soon, you get use to it and it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Getting rid of addictions. Moving addictions to positive habits. I was an addict and I will remain one. I made myself believed that I needed all sorts of things in order to be happy. It is not true. 
To be loved. Can you beloved and be loved?
Love not to feed our own needs but love like sharing and giving. Like, I would give my life for him. 
What's the meaning of life? Why Am I here? We are here to make the world a better place by bringing the divine light upon it. We are the interface between G-d and the earth. Our feet on the ground our head in the sky. 
We are spiritual beings having a physical experience
We are not what we do for work, not what we have, not what we look like. 
We are what we share. 
Going into spiritual growth is the same as the athlete who trains harder and harder. It is the same discipline but on a different level. Pushing every day to be a better human not for me but for the others, whatever that is, the earth, the animals, the plants, the people, society, economic, politics whatever. 
Not for our own glory but with humility.

Lessons in humility

Reason was always a word that distraught me. I was never a reasonable adult. I was wild. My life as an artist. For the first time, I truly feel I'm beginning to understand what true humility is. I realize how big an ego I had. The animal soul is all about me, myself and I. Which is good for the survival to a certain extent. What the animal doesn't know is when to stop. It's an eternal cycle without end but death. I will have to move in a week from by beloved apartment to a place, that I chose because it was the best for the price but not because I truly love it. Learning humility. It's a modest apartment, clean and bright but not luxurious, far away from it. Supposably, moving is the 5th most stressful event in someone's life. I have to come to a point where I feel that it is the love and the happiness inside a house that matters not the house itself. I'll have to make our kingdom, our temple. It is a virgin place without a history. This new story will start the 1st of May 2016. 
It is about making place for the divine spark within us. The idea is to go within. When you love a person, you love the essence within that person. Love goes beyond the behavior or the physicality, love is a soulful encounter. 
Simplicity, modesty were not part of my vocabulary. I loved the luxury because it is the quintessence of what is unessential. The events forced me to get out of my ego. They left me no choice. The material was keeping my soul prisoner. So now, that everything has been stripped, my soul can expand. I'll grow wiser and better. After all, the sky isn't the limit. Far away from it. 

Dissidence

I seem to go from beginning to beginning. A little higher every time. Readjustment. I'm working on anger. Difficult task. But I'm becoming aware of it. Not easy to restrain from anger. I can't react to anger with anger. I am not a monkey. I have to take a moment and hold back. It's a time of forced readjustment. The idea is to accept. To accept forced readjustment as a new beginning. a blessing to do better. But I see it now all the changes that needed to be done. I can't pretend they don't exist anymore. I am so far away still. We live in a weird time. A time where sleeping around became the norm even as a couple, as long as they don't know it doesn't hurt, kind of philosophy. The only thing, we know. We can't hide from ourselves. 
When man ate the fruit from the forbidden tree. And Adam and Eve were hiding. God asked Adam: where are you? 
We have all sorts of excuses to make it sound completely natural and logic, aren't we animals, isn't it a natural need, sex is free, everybody does it. We lost the reason why sex exists because we are lost in the I and we forgot the We. There is no intimacy, everything is overexposed. I use to think they touch my body but they won't touch my soul. Disenchantment. Lost of innocence. We don't aim higher but lower. We think it is liberation but it is exactly the opposite. It's enslavement. And the cynical call the other naive, living in fairytales. But what is real is what we create. It all depends in which dimension we want to live in. Do we want to live slightly above the ground or do we want to elevate the mundane.
That is the ultimate question. 
We have to be our own person. We can't follow the crowd blindly. We have to start to think with our own mind and feel with our soul. And live accordingly.
Be a dissident

. The lost of innocence.

About Change

With the creation of the world came time and therefore change. Change is in the essence of the creation of the universe. It was born within it. 

Furthermore, everything is ever changing and likewise we can change at anytime of our life. 

Are we conscious of our life or are we simply floating wherever the current takes us...Reacting to actions instead of provoking the action, the movement. 

Change is constant, from the day we are born to the moment we die. Nonetheless, we often find, that it hurts to change. It almost feel unnatural, against nature. That's why, in order to truly transform, we have come to a time when we don't have a choice but to change. The situation gives us no other option. We either rise or we fall. 

The idea, is to accept change as part of the natural process of transformation and to accept challenges as opportunities. 

Not easy.

Not easy to accept a situation where we were thrown without asking for it. The ego is touched. Our pride, our illusion of control. 

But there is no true growth without humility and there is no true growth without deep inner change.

#change #ego #reflection #growth #spiritual

The Good and the Bad or the Other and the Ego

To do the right thing means not to act for me but to act for the other. The act can look like the same but the intentions are not. For example, 2 people go to the gym, one do it to show off, for his ego, the other do it to be in good shape, for his body not for himself. 

We have within us the duality of other and ego. Most of men, only the most righteous live otherwise, struggle to distinguish and to choose one from the other. Are the others used as a reflection of our own self ? Are they there for us or are we there for them. The ego wants to be noticed, to be recognized. 

To do the right thing means to act out of selfishness. For you and not for me. 

Are our relationships turning around us or opened to the other. Self-motivation or contribution. Sharing or keeping. 
Only in the moments of sharing can we experience real happiness. 

The whole universe was created on a binomial axion. The sky and the earth, proton and neutron, matter and antimatter, our own body: 2 legs, 2 hands etc., female and male, good and bad, body and soul. Our soul made out of the animal soul and the godly soul, container and recipient. The only absolute one is G-d or the light or however you wanna call it. Even computers are based on twos as well...

Once we rise above our inner struggle, our inner chaos, we can reach a level even higher than the state of someone who never had to go through that struggle, who was born already above. 

Transformation and courage

It is said that in order to change we have to reach the bottom. Transformation can't began otherwise. Change is very difficult. Most of the time, life has to leave us no choice in order for us to change. 
There's an analogy with the seed by Osho:
"The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed."
The same with us. Often, we are afraid to change because change means going into the unknown. It is much easier to keep safe in the status quo. It may be uncomfortable or we may feel that things need to be different but it is our comfort zone and that comfort zone we know. 
The same with the seed. The seed is fine in the soil. It is warm and secure. In order to become a flower, it has to grow through the ground and leave the comfort of her place, but only then, will she be able to become what she was suppose to be, and feel the wind and the warmth of the sun. 
Before she was in darkness but she didn't know. Only when she's forced out, she can discovers the light and become a flower.
The same with the baby coming out of his mother wound, the caterpillar becoming the butterfly or anything who goes through transformation. 
We need this passage into the nothingness in order to build something new. 
We have to let go of the past. Say goodbye. Mourn on what has been and rejoice on what will be. Not easy. Especially when we have no idea of what is ahead. We need to take the steps forward and walk on trust and faith. Let go of the fear and have courage. 

Meditate, pray.
Like Columbus said: You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose the sight of the shore

late women's day post and else

The only thing I would like to post on women's day  is that I find it very strange and sad to see women either naked or in very little apparel being portrayed as strong women or women in charge. I find it quite to be the contrary. If we are truly strong as women, we have no need to show our body as a proof of it. It is funny to see what is suppose to be sacred is exposed now to everyone everywhere like it or not. It is pollution of the sight. We are becoming so used to it that when I ask my daughter to watch the lyrics of a video instead of the video showing asses or breasts of girls dancing in bikinis, my daughter didn't understand why... I don't want to sound like an uptight prude but there is no more respect for the women's body on the undercover of women's power. Women has to take control of their body again. It is one thing to undress yourself in a strip club it is another to simply show your naked self on Instagram or else. If you know what I mean. Nakedness is not for the public place. And I mean it even more for women who are mothers and have to set an example for their children especially their girls. 

Those selfies are becoming a true sickness. The sickness of Narcisse. Certain people I guess are so empty in their own life that the only way they feel they exist is by the likes they get on social medias. It is very depressing when you think about it. 

Otherwise I think that it is great that we live in the time of the Geek rule because one of my daughter wants to be a scientist.  

I find a place. Now I have to find a job. 

Instagram is moving forward 184 followers. Slowly but little by little day after day. 

When people use to ask me what I did in life: I use to answer...I live, it keeps me busy.

I thought about, why I find myself in the kind of situations I'm in and I came to the conclusion that I like difficulties, because I'm an adventurer. The paved light up roads don't interest me. I'm scared I'll be bored, and boredom is death for me. 

B'H' 

Spiritual growth and other things

Growth. 

Spiritual growth shouldn't be born solely of a self-centered impulse, spiritual growth like anything in life should turned outward to the others. Spiritual growth is real growth when it transforms someone into a better person, not for my his or her own benefit, but to that someone is a better parent, better friend, better sibling, better person. Spiritual growth doesn't mean anything otherwise. If not, turned turned toward the outside. If not, it flows in closed circuit. It is sterile. The energy has to spread outward to contribute to the making of a better world. If not it is wasted energy. Useless. Respect doesn't mean anything if you only respect yourself, it you are not ready to like the others like yourself. 
If I am not for me who will be if I am only for me what am I, if not now, when
Hillel

Colours and other things

I added colours to MBRTRB this summer season for the new RESPECT tee. Blue and red, pink and green and red and yellow. Of course white and black are still available. 


Respect for ourselves, for others, for the world and nature around us. We are the caretakers of the earth. We are each of us, responsible for each others. We are all in it together. Our actions affect the whole. Our good actions, good words, good thoughts, bring light upon the world and our bad actions, bad words, bad thoughts bring darkness upon the world. 
Respect means accept the differences, the divergence, the uniqueness. We all are from the same soul. Everyone is essential together. Every being is essential to the whole. The same goes for every rocks, every grains of sand, every drops of water, every stars in the sky. 
Respect for our bodies, our values, our inner soul. How we show ourselves to the world. Have we truly looked inside ourselves...Do we truly lived for what we stand for?

It is not a state of thinking
Respect is a state of being

white sheep follow black sheep think pink sheep fly

Total respect

Summer colour suite

Respect or nothing
#tshirt #tshirtrespect #summercolours #mbrtrb

Summer colours

www.mbrtrb.com
#tshirt #tshirtrespect #summercolours #mbrtrb

Challenges

I heard in a video recently that the goal of life is the go through challenges. A friend told me once that sometimes it feels like we arrived for a little while, it all seems so peaceful and smooth, and then suddenly, without any warning signals, unexpectedly, you're pushed off guard yet once again. When the going gets tough the tough get going. We can't ever give up. I'm going through a certain amount of difficulty. It's been a year so far of transformation, like it or not, I have no choice, I've been thrown out of my job, no more contract, and my place, it's given to my landlord's son. After 10 years. I'm thinking if it 's happening like that it's because that's the way it's suppose to happen. I read on Rob Brezsny horoscope that last year was a year of physical transformation and this year of soul transformation. Life is pushing me to change level, sort to speak. But I'm scared. Scared i won't be up the challenge. Scared i'll fall instead of rising. Scared I'll fell the test. But I can't give up. I have responsibilities. First of all I'm a mom and the sole chief of my family. I'm the father and the mother. That's all good. I rather have it that way. I'm the only one in control of my children. Like I always say kids are a privilege but a responsibility too. It goes together I guess. Second of all I'm a warrior always have always will. I'm a survivar. I ain't anybody. It's like a rebirth. The baby also has to struggle to get out of his mom's womb. In Kabbalah it is said that the micro is a reflection of the macro and vice and versa the same idea the man is made in G-d's image. I often think of it. I find it to be so true. It is so strange to think that we are made of star's dust. Atoms. Energy. The idea is to keep surfing on the good energy. I pray and meditate do yoga exercise, stretching every morning now. Faith. It's all good because everything is happening as it should. As long as I move forward. One step at the time. Don't be scared. 

Psalm 23:4: Even if I shall walk in the valleys of the shadows of death, I will not be afraid of evil, because you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me