samedi 17 novembre 2018

Back to basics

The aim always have to be the center but sometimes due to different events we have to move to the right or to the left but always after we have to readjust ourselves to the middle.Never lose sight of the center. For that we need a strong foundation not a base that changes all the time. Consistency. The consistency has to be permanent. It is there no matter what. I re started the idea of MBRTRB meaning production. Im not sure yet but Im open. I"ll print RESPECT Respect is earned. First we have to respect ourselves, our integrity, our values. Cosncious that God put us on earth for a reason, our mission. Not to waste our lives. The complexity is that nobody knows what their mission is. We have to discover it alone. The base is to leave earth better after we are gone then before. Always a bit better. We have to transform the darkness in light. To reveal the light beneath the darkness. Im a patron of Vucjakshelter amazing dedication of this man in Serbia who takes care of dogs cats any animals that need help alone. It cost $5 per month US and I encourage evryone one to help him. He is on instagram :)  Slowly Im getting out of the shock of all that happened since 2 years. But we did it the girls and me. We went through it and we came out stronger and wiser and calm. Barush Hashem. Those 2 years were a learning lessons in life and humility and respect and dignity. There is certain behaviours that I wouldnt be able to have anymore.  It is just a fact. I just cant. I dont have to convince myself I shouldnt do it. Now it is part of me and there is nothing conscious about it. Just funny. For some reasons I always thought that a quiet life was a boring life. It is not true. Quiet but full and mindfull. Im in touch with the sound the feel the time and place of my life. Connected no more disconnected. No more cynical. I have a different perspective. An eye opener. Eyes wide opened. Remember the movie Eye wide shut by Kubrick. I saw a documentary on his assistant on Netflix so good. He was the actor in Barry Lindon and he left everything to work by the side of the genius Kubrick. Leon Vitali.The documentary is called the filmworker because that how he calls himself. I use to have a poster of Orange mecanique in my place...It was my natural killers period....Desenchanted. Now Im wondering what is ahead. Back to the beginning I use to say that once your eyes are opened you cant close them again, you cant turn back, past, present and future united and intertwined, Keep on pushing one step at the time. In order to discover we need to step out of our comfort zone and accept that we will have to jump into the unknown in order to reach our destination. Our spiritual destination. Remember that we are spiritual beings living a material experience. 

mercredi 10 octobre 2018


If I let Sam go, as planned, I truly jump in the unknown. I always went back to him maybe because I knew him for more than 20 years. We had a historic, sort to speak. I know all about him. But I shouldn't have done it. Go with him. I fell for a stupid trick because I believed him. That he liked me. He appreciated me. But I was wrong. I don't think he appreciates anybody but himself. I don't know. It is impossible to put ourselves into somebody else shoes. I think I go back because I want to convince myself that it is right when it is so wrong. It was wrong since the beginning. Why did I let myself do it. I believed him. I took a chance and believe him. I think the best thing is to stay away from him. Like I say the best action is no action sometimes. No words. Just move on. Everything has been said and done anyway there is nothing to add. Time to let go and to jump in the unknown. M is gone too. 1 year and 9 months. I miss him from time to time. I guess it is normal we shared something. Something special. A certain understanding. But I have 2 daughters and it wasn't possible. As I use to say, in the absolute maybe but not on earth. I have very fond memories of him. His cat lives with us since his departure. She is a wild cat. Very independent and so beautiful. Silence. I started to listen to house music again. I started the gym. I'll train with the best trainer. Why not be in top shape. What Am I scared of... I was thinking of that too. That we can't be scared. Stop being scared. I use not to be scared of anything. But I am a mom now and it is different. I have the two most amazing daughters to take care of. Sometimes I think that I am autistic. I wonder. When I look at something I look at it on all angles. I look deeper. It is weird. Like a want to have the big picture. It is my curious spirit and mind. I was always curious. I give myself certain rights. I think I am above. I don't follow rules. I break them. In certain circumstances. But I get bored easily. At one point it is only repetition. I look at myself more closely. I control my actions more. I try to use my mind over my emotions. Mind first than emotion. Always. Instead of thinking I do what I want and I don't give a fuck about the consequences. I prefer not to act. I am calm now. I am contempt. I see everybody go on trips like girouette metaphysique but I'm happy where I am. I am in love with my city. The place where I live. I think about that too, that God put me here in this country, province, city, neighborhood, in this time. I feel I need to do good and be nice and bring something positive in the world we live in. I started to pick up plastic bottles and I put them in the recycle when I see them on the street or else. It is my new thing. I was also thinking that we are in 2018. And in 2018, it is time for women to stand for their rights. Respect. And respect starts at home. On that note, lets say good bye. 

lundi 24 septembre 2018

What is freedom

I was thinking that we live in a crazy times, we go from hyper realism to superficialism,if it is even a term, or fake realism however you want to call it. The artificial seems natural and truth sounds false. In the overdose of informations that lead us to dead ends or emptiness we have to surf our own waves and go against the stream and see with other own eyes, draw with our hands, feel with our own soul. The idea for me now is to reveal the hidden good, the one concealed and for doing that the ego has to retract to make place for the revelation. It is funny how people are not only lost in the reflection of themselves but the perfected false version of themselves. It is a form of self slavery. self enslavement. What is freedom? True freedom. In Les Racines du Ciel of Romain Gary my favorite author when I was a teenager, the hero is imprisoned during the second world war as a political prisoner with others from the Resistance and what saved them for depressions and despair is the thoughts of the elephant roaming free in the savannas of Africa. I always wanted to visit Africa since I read this book. He wrote about the stars in the African desert. It is maybe one of the first ecological book, anti-hunting. Freedom is a state of being. The true freedom of the mind cannot manifest itself within some sorts of limits. We can't grow without pressure. We can't be who truly are without overcoming adversity. Never give up. My great aunt Jouji who did the concentration camp told me that once. Never give up. L'important est de ne jamais désespérer. Now I tell myself that if I pick up one empty plastic bottle thrown on the street by someone who must think that it is gonna dissolve by itself and put in a recycling bin me being out was worth. It is a new dada of mine. Picking up plastic bottles. I myself surprise of the number I pick up every day. I wish I could start a movement. Because if everyone of us would do a little, the sums would be a enormous. I'm thinking it is a start. Every start has a beginning. Time is like a spiral that turns and go up. The whole thing made me wiser and calmer. I know I use this word calmer over and over again but it is still surprising for me to feel grounded, connected and calm. And not hooked on the stars, disconnected and wired. I think it is because I feel safe. To that I say L'Chaim, to life, to this new year, may It be sweet and good. 
Don't be scared, Hashem your G-d is in each of your steps. 

samedi 22 septembre 2018

Reflecting on the year that passed and the New Year

My life is calm. Finally. And I feel calm. I never felt calm before. More like a lion in a cage. My brain like a ping pong match. I moved on. I like my job and the people I work with. I started doing some volunteering at the CHUM in oncology and I just love doing it. I wish I could go more often. I go whenever I have a day off. I cut M entirely and his mom. I'm back with Sam. It is what it is. I feel at home when I am with him. Let's see. Nothing compare to him. Its in G-d's hands, He decides. There is nothing I can do only accept. Overall I think the year was good. Sometimes I feel like I should fastened my seat belts. So for next year, I want to be better than I am now. I have a feeling that the worst is in the past until the next time. But for now, it is all good. I'm asking G-d a good and sweet year. In the concealed good and in the sweet. Because life is not a straight line, it goes up and down. Like my grand-father use to say: The only way to stay alive is to get old. Life exists in the movement not in the stillness. Without changes there can't be no life. I told him that I prefer him now than before. Now that he is older. I told him that he is the only one that I love. That my former relationship was an optic illusion. Une illusion d'optique. I go to get massage t a chinese place. It's a treatment. She's healing my body. I can feel the changes already. She is magical. My body needed it. Get rid of the stress that was accumulated. It's a total cure. I didn't go back to cigarettes. I'm walking the line. I'm controlling my emotions and thinking first with my head. I'm less emotional. But I'm still tensed. I have a difficulty to let go. And I'm in charge of my two daughters, alone. It is a big responsibility so I have to stay alert. 
I like where I live. It's all good. Barush Hashem 
Thanking G-d every morning every day, Mode Ani
I made it through the changes, the only way to overcome it is to go through it. New beginning, the eternal beginning, I arrive only to begin something else. Les voies de D-eu sont impénétrables. Stronger than ever, wiser than ever, calmer than ever, happier than ever. 
I am who I am. Taking responsibility, 
I think social media is so popular is because it offers other kind of information, good diifferent, free information, not only the bad news that we are use to see in more conformist avenues. And the fact that we can share our ideas for free in the web accessible to the entire world. Dream warriors, soul serachers, people of the world unite. We are all children of G-d. One love, One world, Peace, Shalom, Salam 

samedi 24 février 2018


Someone wrote a comment a positive comment on one of my post and It made me want to write again after 9 months of silence, a gestation. 

I am changed. I'm calmer. I'm alone now since a year and one month. 13 months that hes gone. I miss him everyday but I know that it was the only issue. I will always care about him. I will never forget hi, Because of him I have changed. I rather be alone than to be with anybody. Because I know now how it feels to be at peace with someone. Like I say in the absolute it was the perfect relation but we don't live in the absolute we live in reality and in reality it didn't make sense. I learned with him. He taught me a lot. Emotional stability. I just loved being with him. My kids miss him. I think sometimes that it's the last taboo. An older woman with a younger man.But a man indeed. At the same time young still. I miss him. He was my companion. He was next to me. Now there's no one. Because If I replace him with someone that someone will be serious and marry me nothing else. If not I have my daughters to take cae off. Thats my priorities. To be there present at home is more important than anything else. But if I meet someone that make us stronger to be together it will be positive for my daughters as well. But I'm not going backward that's for sure. I rather be alone. The thing is when we are raised by bad parents it teaches us what not to do and not to replicate. It's in my head. Sometimes I know how my parents would have reacted to a situation because I see myself do the same and than I force myself to correct my reaction because I don not want to replicate that's also for sure. I'm a good mom because I don't transmit what I didnt like growing up, thanks to my mother Im a good mom. A better mom at least. But I know I'm a good mothet and thats more important than anything else it goes above everything and nothing passes before that. Rule number 1. Rule number 2 be present, be there, caring and nurturing. Supportive soft and strict but above all always on their side, I read in a book about challah by Rochie Pinson that you have to have always more sugar than salt, always more love than discipline. Positive reinforcement. To be there when they cry they need comfort, advices, directions or just to touch base. I feel blessed because I'm a mom, I feel blessed twice. Its the biggest happiness of my life to have the honor to be a mom. I realigned my life since hes gone. I am more established in our new place, in our new neighborhood and in my new job. The apartment looks very good. Its a very nice place. Much better than the last one. Smaller but much better. Its very well divided. You can see that someone put some thoughts of how to use the space in the most functional way.  
I have to work on making myself feeling secure and confident. Like the quote from Hillel: If Im not for myself who will be but If Im only for myself who am I and if not now when? Self love. Studying with my favorite rabbis. Watching their videos and reading books. Continuing my spiritual journey. That also helps me to walk the line not only help prevents me for not walking the line. G-d is my guide. I stopped smoking. I sleep early wake up early. I started running. . And I walk every day. I do my stretching and I buy more organic than before. Still I would like to meet someone. The right one this time for the good reasons. Time will tell
Thats about it. 

vendredi 5 mai 2017

New commitment

I use to think that I was getting somewhere or more precisely that I was getting there, whatever what that where was. Now I think I'm already there just trying to be better everyday. There's nowhere else to be than now. What matters is how you act, how you talk, how you think today. Conscious of the transcendent presence of the present.

In this period of time, we are counting the Omer during 49th days. we are at 25th day. Each week is a reflection of the 7 sephirot in relation with each other. First weeks was about the 3 primary "internal emotions":  Chesed: love , Gevurah: discipline and their synthesis in the middle, Tiferet or harmony.
The weeks we are in now are in relation to the outer emotions also divided in three: Netzah which is confidence and perseverance, Hod: humility and devotion and the unifying agent: relationship and intimacy. 
Today is day 25 so its Netzah of Netzah: endurance in compassion. Do I have endurance within my commitment? And the proposed exercise for the day by Rabbi Jacobson: Commit yourself in developing a new good habit.

"Learn to speak properly, but also learn to listen, and listen deeply. The greatest gift we can give another is to listen to them and allow them to be".
From the Garden of Paradox, Dovber Pinson.
That's my aim to be a good listener, to take out my self and my own ego off the conversation and to be there for the person sharing his/her thoughts with me. Also, I decided to delete all the bad words of my speech. It is like spitting toxic out of my mouth. 
Nowadays, somehow just saying a sentence makes anything automatically cool...for some reason.  
It says a lot of the state of the world we live in today.

That's my new commitment: good listener and good speaker

mercredi 26 avril 2017


In the beginning of the MBRTRB project, I thought of creating a line of streetwear dedicated to good vibes, dance, djs and house music. I wanted to take the t-shirt as a canvas to send positive messages into this world on walking bilboard sort to speak. Then it moved to a creative outlet on instagram mainly but also Twitter, Facebook and Soundcloud. I had a value dilemna. Why put another t-shirt line on the market, did the world really needed another clothing line when I knew all the waste from fast fashion and fashion itself. The idea now is to take recycled t-shirt or t-shirt coming from a social cause like the ones from Project Pieta, . The t-shirts have to carry something as well, not just be eco-conscious but also social conscious. The vessel and the source have to be in harmony. One nourishing the other.
In kabbalah, it is understood that everything has a vessel and an essence. The words and their meaning, our body and our soul, our eyes and our view, the sun and the light etc. My t-shirts and the messages. 

Also I want to add new messages. More in tune with where I am now. 

I started to buy almost only vintage clothes. It started as an obligation due to budget restrictions but it moved now to a new habit and challenge. I always loved mixing anyway. I"m a mix myself , part Slovaque, part Palestinian, par French canadian, par Scottish, Jewsih.
I always believed in inclusion and not exclusion.

3 months since my love was deported. Missing him everyday.