dimanche 2 avril 2017

Physical and spiritual cleaning



When I was a child my dad use to call me Miss Contrary and I think that title still suits me. All my life I've been going against the stream. It's in my nature. I've been surfin on my own waves, on my own mind. I remember as a teenager, I wanted to deconstruct myself to reconstruct it the way I wanted to be. It was a conscious will. My mom left the house.  When I was 15 years old. Really left. To live her life. She said it was either that or madness. Without a mom and having no relationship with my dad, apart from our fights and his screams, I had no attachments. I could create a new self. Or begin my way of creating a new self. I use to think that I was raised by 2 mentally unstable and dysfunctional parents. We were neglected privileged kids. My rebellion started at 17 years old, but my true downfall began when I left my boyfriend after 6 years together at 23 years old. I knew if i left him, i would fall down the rabbit hole with no one to catch me. I knew also that the fall was necessary, essential. I had to go to the end of it. And to the end I went. I knew I was speeding toward a brick wall but I didn't care. I was going to crash, eyes wide open. The only thing that was keeping me alive was my desire to have a child, a girl. My dream child like a friend was calling her before she was even conceived. Once I fainted on the dance floor of a club so stoned by all the drugs I had taken. When I woke up the friend with who I was told me that he thought i was dead. I answered how can I be dead I didn't have my child yet. I was going to have a child and it will be a girl. Today I have 2 daughters. To be a mother was the only thing that kept me alive during those years. Everything else was a slow conscious suicide, a conscious self destruction. I felt like a stranger on a strange land. Disconnected. No relation with the humans around me. I was thinking: we're not from the same species, we don't talk the same language. We can't communicate. I liked to be on drugs, accrochée aux étoiles, flying in space, no desire to be on the ground.  I claimed I was a black hole, no limits. Completely stable, no bad trips. Without law, without morality. I was so arrogant. G-d was my only confident. It was him that I was meeting on the dance floor. My sole companion. Detached. You can touch my body but you won't have my soul. 
This year, 25 years later, I learned to be humble. For a while, I felt as though I was doing time. Maybe it's all the documentary I watched on prisoners and prisons. When you do time, you're forced to be patient, you need to work on certain areas in your life in order to move out from the place you're in. Furthermore, there's certain things you can't do because if you do them, you go back in time, moving backward instead of forward. I finished my time and I have changed. Instead of looking for people that holds me back I'm looking for people that will take me higher. I began a conversation with a disciple of one of the rabbi I'm following and we became friend. I'm still watching my favorite rabbis' videos. They helped me go through all the changes I had to deal with last year. Without them I wouldn't have been able to make it. They were and they are my guides. Their teachings are at the core of my evolution. They gave me and they give me comfort and soothing at the times I needed it the most and at all times. Whenever I feel my level of stress is to high I put on a video. I use to listen to deep house almost 7 days a week all day long. I hardly listen to music anymore and If I do I put hebrew music or kabbalistic music. The idea is to lower the level of tension to the maximum. I need peace and quietness. I seek for silence when I couldn't bare silence before. 
Cleaning cleaning cleaning. Physical cleaning and spiritual cleaning. We are right before Pessah. Which is about cleaning our soul and getting rid of the ego. I want to enter Pessah this year, with a clean soul and clean mind and a clean body. 





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