Peace comes from within

All is necessary. 

I wanna write about topics I wrote about before: balance , connecting the dots and on the fact that everything is necessary. 

I spent most of my younger years being an extremist person. I was only happy in excess. Excess of sex, excess of drugs, excess of partying, dancing. I was only happy when I was on the verge of death, living my life at extra speed. I was ultra hyper, always stoned from morning to night and from night to morning. I claimed myself to be a black hole. I could take as much drugs as I wanted, mixing whatever came by, LSD at first than extasy, coke, GHB, weed, heroin whatever. I told a friend that I when I took drugs I wanted to feel like I got hit by a train. I was a poly toxicomane but I never liked alcohol maybe that's what saved me. I didn't like to lose my inhibitions. I liked to be in control. Completely stoned but totally in control. I had many lovers to pass time. Some stayed in my memory, most I forgot. They were touching my skin not my soul. Like grain of sands in my hands. Those were extreme times, wild times, push to the limits. I thought I lived in technicolor and everybody else was in black and grey, beige even. I was the real thing, not a wannabe, couldn't care less about the fashion, the in. I was not a follower. Very few people made me want to come back on earth. I wanted to stay up in the sky, among the stars. The world as it was didn't interest me, the humans in it didn't interest me. They were happy on the ground in their mediocrity not asking more than what was offered to them. I dreamt of a big clean up, explosions and bombs. Starting new, my cult movie was Natural born killers. I envy the liberty of Mickey and Mallory to kill anyone who annoyed them. Sometimes on the dance floor I pretended to kill the boys who wanted to dance with me. Making them disappear with my indifference. Living by them but without them. Living by their desire on me, nourishing myself from it and because of it being able to live without even looking at them. Playing the indifference. When the superficial is so natural that you forget that it is made up. La coquette. 
But in all these years, I always followed my heart. My nature. It was who I was. What you see is what you get. I wasn't pretending to be somebody I wasn't. I could never pretend.
These times are long time gone. I'm back on earth and happy to be on it. I don't take drugs anymore. I even stopped smoking weed recently. I feel so much better, my mind so much clearer. I reached that point. Finally. I came a long way. I worked on myself everyday to get there. Introspection, review, critics. I'm not saying that I have arrived but my vibes changed. I feel calm. I would have never thought I would feel calm one day. I was more intense than calm. I was like a lion in a cage, like a tornado, a monster, calm was not part of who I was. And now I can say I feel calm, at peace, good in my head, good in my mind, good in my body. I'm not saying either that I won't be making anymore mistakes for sure I will, I'm far away from perfect. But I feel at peace. I can stay home, not talking to anyone, listening to music and I feel fine. 
I feel I can let myself flow on the flow of life. Trusting and peaceful. 
I realize now that everything was necessary. It was a long and difficult road but I never gave up. I always walked forward, toward the light. Everything prepares us to what's to come. Because of what I have lived I'm ready to live what I'm experiencing now. Confidently and peacefully. I reached a certain balance, a certain middle ground. I'll repeat what Steve Jobs said: he said that we can only connect the dots going backward never forward. I reached another level. Let's see where it takes me. I have my mind, my heart and my soul wide open.  At peace at last.