Freedom

When I was a child, my favourite time of the day was when everybody was still sleeping and I was the only one awake. I guess I was always a loner. Since a young age, around 6, I felt different. Slightly disconnected not completely within. Since I was born in Paris, i invented a mythology of me being french. I never felt I belong. A feeling of being a stranger in a strange land that accompany me almost until recently. I was an observer in but out. In the middle but off limits at the same time. Living through them but without them. Power of being. I always liked the heights or the depth. One step away. I was obsessed with the autistic child as a teenager. There was a resemblance, an attraction. I could relate. Music became my guide. Electronic music. I search for the people who liked the same kind of music as me. Who danced on the same sound. I was in the core of things. The center of the universe searching, starving for more. Completely and absolutely disenchanted. The spleen, I was born with the spleen of existence. Why was I living, for which purpose ? What was I suppose to do with my life ?  Jep says in The Great Beauty, since 40 years it's a steady decline. I was falling but I didn't care. I am lost and take no pleasure in being found. Steinbeck. I feel free and calm. I feel empowered. It was a long journey. It is still a journey. I don't feel more connected to people, but I'm more connected to me meaning head, body and soul and to earth and the universe. I feel centered within me and through the world around me. I'm not angry anymore, I'm at peace. I feel balanced. It is said that from chaos comes harmony. I was a total chaos I'm tending toward harmony. Music is still my faithful companion, my soul companion. Never left my side. Whenever I want to cut myself up, I put my headphones on. 
We live on an amazing planet. The most beautiful and diverse. Humans, animals, plants, minerals living in total harmony yet so completely different. Kabbalah makes me conscious of the wonder of life, of the wonder of a human body, a human mind, a human soul. It makes me conscious of the wonder of nature and how grateful I am to be able to experience this incredible trip that is a life.