back to the source

I got rid of my beloved car recently not because I wanted too but because I had too. It was the end of my lease and no way I could keep it. I was a bit sad but It was a relief as well. I was always attracted to the luxury of things. When I was in my twenty I use to say that I was a bankrupt aristocrat and that blue blood was running in my veins. An aristocrat in search of the Graal in opposition of the bourgeois so eager to conform. So i was an aristocrat, from another time, lost in the vulgarity and the mediocrity of this one. Luxury in that perspective was the idea of the absolute unnecessary, of the object that rises above the tools of every day life. I always had this need to elevate my every day life. I needed more than what was offered to my eyes and my ears. I wanted eternity. My belief in God rooted in that need. I couldn't be contempt with humanity there had to be a God to make it meaningful. There was this need of god and there was this need of love. Maybe it goes together. I believed in God so I believed in love. And I believe in love still. I wish for love. I don't know if I will find it but it's not important. I guess to wish for true love I had to work on myself first. I had to get rid of the superficial of what was keeping me down. Of the bling bling of things. I had to go back to the source. To what is really essential. I had to get back to me, to my friends, to my family. I let go of the man I was seeing on and off for 4 years. I was keeping him to convince myself that It was right when I knew very well it was wrong. It was wrong from the beginning. He had money. He took me out, restaurants, vacation. But It was empty. A business relation sort of. Going nowhere, giving me nothing, leaving my soul starving for more. I finally decided that I prefer to be alone. Even though to be alone is not always easy. I had to refrain myself many times not to call him or text him. But there is no point. At one point It was time to let go. 
2015 been a year so far of letting go, letting go of the unhealthy dependency and by doing so building myself stronger and emotionally independent. Going back to the source. 
2015 the year of self-actualization