Time to step up

When I think of it, my attraction for assholes, is based on sexual attraction. I'm wondering if you have to be an asshole to fuck well because you're just enough disrespectful to be exciting. Than again I guess not. I know as a fact that I don't have to be a bitch. Also assholes are normally charming, good looking and intelligent. Like we say in French: qui est pris qui croyait prendre. But than again I'm getting really tired. I have to move forward. It's not a choice anymore it's a necessity. Because where I'm going there's no place for those. It was a comfort zone. At least with them I knew for sure what to expect. I'm not a fool. Maybe I'm afraid of a true relationship. That way it was convenient with the kids and all. It gave me a certain form of freedom. But then again, freedom I have anyway. They mix their reality with the reality. They don't see the variance, the subtile difference that this doesn't equal this. I don,t know if I could play poker well. I'm so used to play with my cards opened. I hide no joker, no surprise. So I guess the month of august will be about getting out of my comfort zone. Old habits are hard to change. But I'm getting way to old for that nonsense. I have no patience and no envy. Time to step up.