Face my fears

Time to let go of the ego. Time of liberation. Loosen up the control over chaos. Admit that I don't control anything. What do I truly want and why Am I so scared to get it. Feel the vibes. Surf on the flow instead of going with the flow. Spontaneity. Openness. I was hiding behind him. Like a shield. Secluded by my own will. Certain things had to leave. Sam is gone. He texted: You see, I think of you and I din't answer. That was the end of it.
Why am I so scared. So scared of what is real preferring to get involved in stories that can't exist. Someone once said that I was scared of relationship because I fear abandon. Maybe. Maybe It has to do with my agression at 10 years old by a man 25 years older than me. Or maybe 26. It would be weird if it was 26. Anyhow a man and I was a little girl. I think somehow It screwed me up somewhere. It gave me my little childish voice. I learned in Hannibal the serie that a heavy trauma leaves the women who lived it, with a little voice. I thought that explains it although I always had the intuition that it was in a way linked to that event. 
All that to say, I had 3 fears to face, the lost of my apartment, the lost of my job and the lost of him. But I survived because I'm a survivor. I have 9 lives like a cat and until now I always landed on my feet. B'H'